Motherhood

I’m hamster-wheeling through life it seems. By continuously being so busy, that my wheel (of things to do) is spinning with no slowing down, is just a breeding ground for panic, self-criticism and procrastination. So, there’s three options I envisage; one – to keep wheeling and spinning out of control; two– to jump out, which may bring with it some metaphoric tackles and grazes; lastly – slow the F%#& down! So, which one will it be? This question bubbles under my surface, day-in and day-out.

It’s no coincidence that I’m at the same juncture I know so well, overflowing with such unadulterated familiarity. For all of my adult life, I’ve had my foot full steam on the gas, forgetting about the break just millimetres away. Yes, I know sometimes it’s so hard to see the stop signs in our life when we are so blinded by our thousand tasks and lists, until one day, I got a sign: 0 MILES -REFUEL IMMEDIATELY! (Now, I’ve gone green, so no more petrol, however the constant reminder, has my car been charged, is there enough battery?) – same, same!

Yes, divine intervention did a slap bang jiggle in my face… I turned my car on and it started madly beeping (shouting) at me: 0 miles – refuel immediately! I had obviously seen the warning signs to fill up, but for some unknown reason, I never did (very unlike me). I believe this was a sign for me to stop and slow the F*$%# down, to either slow down my wheel or I’d tumble off with who knows what ramifications… 

It’s funny, since the Corona-coaster, I have been so depleted, exhausted beyond measure and just operating with an empty vessel. That’s for another day; I keep pouring out but I’m not being filled up. Life is relentless.  More and more is being piled on, we’re in the midst of global chaos, there’s a lot of big thinking when it comes to work, school, kids behaviours, choices, bla bla bla. All that adult stuff, which is so intertwined and knotted, that it feels impossible to unravel.

And I know I have to break, to slow the intensity of life down otherwise I will crash, crumble, dismantle and who knows what that will entail and look like. I just felt in autopilot with my foot on the excelerator, there was no break! 

If I stopped, how would all these microcosms of my hectic life continue? Why did I have to be superhuman? Why did I have to do it all alone? Why couldn’t I admit things were tough? What was I afraid of? Why couldn’t I be perfectly ordinary and flawed and accepting like everyone else? What is this sense of perfection and having to do it all? Why do I always need to excel? Why can’t I cry, swear and break down when it’s hard? What’s so shameful and embarrassing? Will people look down on me? Or will I look down on myself if I stop this wheeling? So many daunting questions running through my head…

I just couldn’t bring myself to see what was going on in my life. But I was warned that I was past the burnout point, but I (stupidly) soldiered on. I constantly felt like a balloon with too much air, and I just needed to release some pressure to be ok, but I couldn’t. Then, a greater power slapped a big warning in my face which I could not ignore as it was so literal!

Besides crapping myself as I felt the universe was giving me one more literal message, I stopped, I made time to reflect, I questioned where my biggest pain points were, and how I could make achievable changes, because let’s face it, if I never succeeded at small stepping stones of change, I would not continue. Stubborn yes. I changed my life in the most drastic ways, I left a successful marketing career of 15+ years and went freelance to be my own boss, to work at my own pace, to choose my own rhythms. This handed me the remote control to choose the speed and tempo I want to operate at, with the unlimited possibilities of choice.

And absolutely, changing the pace of my wheel is not immediate. It comes with a lot of big emotion, and internal struggles. There’s a lot of guilt, resentment, falsehood, brave masks. If my wheel were to instantly morph into the perfect balance, I’d be worried too. Yup, some days are hard and all I want to do is jump back on the wheel and zoom through life, so I don’t have to think when I’m overwhelmed. Ignorance is bliss (temporarily). But I know, slow and steady and REAL wins the race. It’s about finding the right balance and speed and exertion; which is not carved in stone, and should be fluid and adaptable. Sometimes, pace and momentum is critical to progress, and this is all great, as long as the underlying motivations are authentic and not contrived for any ulterior motives or any other people. As long as their is alignment, then race as fast as you need, and slow as often as you need too. No right or wrong, just an open and honest mind and heart.

Why do people often need bad things to happen in order to wake up? So often you hear people were in a car accident and then their lives changed, or they got ill and then transformed themselves. Why does it take such drastic measures sometimes in order to stop, take stock of our lives and adjust accordingly? I felt like I got a gentle nudge, one that was manageable and not too dangerous. But what if I hadn’t had that? 

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Once you have a glimmer of freedom, it’s hard to go back to what was, as it was with no shift. If I’m totally honest (and vulnerable), that’s where my life changed. My big shift was centred around the notions of “control” and “self belief”. Two lingering strands which I’ve gripped tight to my whole life, sometimes holding on for dear life, yet at other times, able to loosen my grip and just swing with the ebbs and flows of life.

So, I’ve been fashioned a certain way. Right from when I was young; achievement and productivity was important. Success was a bi- product of working hard, achieving, job titles, corporate ladders. But for me, this allowed zero balance and minimal time for myself, as this was selfish of course! But this is how my life showed up, work then personal priorities. And it was the norm, where I had nothing to compare it to, so along with the currents and tides I went…

Easy and comfortable it was! But I had this deeper yearning for something more; something which revolved around connection, authenticity, family, compassion, nurture and personal satisfaction. My life didn’t entirely fit into the values I deemed important but with two young kids, I went into autopilot and mom mode! Until one day, that burning desire was so prevalent – I needed to explore and discover more…

Despite having 15 years experience working in the marketing industry across multiple brands globally, I believed I couldn’t do it alone, for me! I thought if I went freelance I’d be starting for scratch, not from extensive experience! This limiting belief was so ingrained, as much as I tried to go against my grain, I defaulted back to my status quo! Until one day, I decided to tackle this head on and become clear on the whys and hows in order to leap forward.

Another limiting factor was the concept of control. I was controlled by corporates my whole career. I was at their beck and call as  being employed made me accountable, yet felt like a puppet despite my seniority! I had little control over my life, I was overworked, undervalued and not showing up as the best me in any areas of life. I was controlled, I was lost, I was everything to everyone but not to myself.

It was like a bomb exploding one day where I knew I had to run and evolve, or keep quiet, no more complaining! After getting direction from incredible coaches and mentors, I saw the light, despite how dark and hard the process may be. I saw a glimmer of what life could be; of how I could be a more present and involved mom, or how I could choose to do the work I enjoyed; how I could re-discover who I am and what makes me tick and of course, boost our marriage which for obvious reasons became about the kids! I tasted freedom and choice, I imagined what control feels like where I’m in the drivers seat.

Experiencing this freedom momentarily through visualisations and meditative practices. I mapped out how I wanted life to look like and I leaped! I leaped forward to being in control of my life, and gained the power to dictate what I wanted (despite how unclear that was). I knew a different reality was possible which I could build in the exact way which suited my desires, values and priorities!

I could never go back to what was, no ways! However hard my journey is, I know the reasons why! Under the layers of emotions and self-critical talk (which I’m learning to soften), I know this new way of life where I can choose and don’t need to feel subservient to anyone or anything makes so much sense. Yes, the unknown is challenging. Yes, things take time to build and nurture. Yes, sometimes comfort is easier than discomfort. Yes, I feel resentment and guilt and pain. Yes, I have questioned when I am feeling self-doubt. But, it is my life, my way and my choice!

No regrets (sometimes when I’m overwhelmed), you get one life I’ve learnt. Being miserable and feeling tied is a choice, I’ve gained the confidence and clarity to pivot to a new happier space, with unlimited possibilities to be the best me! (Cheesy, but true)…

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So, after 6 years in my current job (actually 15 employed years), I am packing all my goodies into my metaphoric cardboard box, not forgetting my token pot plant. You know, like the movies! After a very up and down experience, I took the (long-awaited) plunge and resigned! Adios!

“OMG, you are crazy, people are being made redundant left right and centre!”. “Have you thought this thorough?”. “What if you can’t find business?”. “You giving up such a good job!”. You get the drift. These (not so) subtle statements were chanted at me (it felt with the same intensity as the whole of Wembley Stadium singing Football is Coming Home)… On the one hand compounding my self-doubt, yet on the other hand, empowering me to stand firm in what my gut is saying. Total dichotomy. Obviously.

Lockdown gave me the opportunity to question life. There’s gotta be a silver lining, right? What else do you do when staring at the same four walls, day in and day out? It started off a very in-depth process of introspection, one long overdue. Was I happy doing what I was doing? Was it allowing me to show up the way which aligned to my values in an authentic way? Were my skills being utilised and was I stimulated, or was doing my job with my eyes closed, good enough? Was I happy just swimming with the current, or was I yearning for something more fulfilling? Question after question kept bubbling to the surface, until one day, I stopped to listen!

The truth is, life and work was flexible, it was easy as it was routine. I was plain-sailing along with the flow, instead of swimming upstream, challenging myself. Yes, easy is comfortable! Yes, autopilot is smooth. Yes, I could continue as I was, but I had a burning desire to uncover what really made me tick. And no, it wasn’t a clear definite, but it was the beginning of a process.

So, I got myself a (frikking awesome) Life Coach. Someone to help unravel my twisted and tangled thinking wires. Someone who understands the pressures of modern motherhood laced with the demands of work. A juggling act and a hard balance, if I say so myself! I found I wasn’t showing up as the best me, wife, mom, colleague, friend or family member. I was being pulled in too many directions at the same time and something had to give and explode. And that something was ME! Being in a 1,000 places at once left me feeling I was doing all my roles sub-standardly, I never felt I was really winning in any areas. Which for a person who thrives on achievement, this was hard.

I started to uncover my values. What really meant the most to me and what I wanted for my life and family moving forward? Was it financial success and job titles, or something a little softer which revolved around connection, compassion, honesty, truth and integrity?

To cut a long story short… I went from employment to SELF-EMPLOYMENT, not unemployment! I’ve had to shift my mindset and preconceived notions so many times a day, that in fact, I have taken a choice here! I wasn’t forced into this, and I fully get the value of being my own boss. There is just so, so much attached to the notion of being an employee versus being the kind of boss to myself that I have yearned for, for so many years!

So, it’s not about shutting one door and starting from scratch, from 0 again. It’s about starting with 15 years under my belt, about taking my wide-ranging experience and passions and honing it down into something I actually want to be doing, where I can choose. I have the advantage where I can pick and choose the best bits from across my career which I love, and possibly say adios to the parts which bored the living heck out of me. I can choose my hours, it’s not about clocking watching 9AM – 5PM any longer, it’s about getting tasks done, not starring blankly at my laptop. My long list of pet-hates can now be archived as that chapter has lapsed, and I’m onto my next chapter – a continuation in my story of life.

So, without being conceited or vein, I am super damn proud of where I have got to; of the courage I’ve found deeply rooted within; of how I’ve learnt to silence my critical voice (even momentarily) and listen to that compassionate me and what it really wants.

Yes, there is some self-doubt and resentment on some days, but I have taken this grand step forward to become a better me; a more holistic me, a me that is doing what aligns to my beliefs and values, a me that feels worthy of care and being nurtured, a me that can wake up knowing I have made a conscious choice, a me who has sewn some new seeds of hope – hope to show up as ME (and the best wife, mom, family member, friend, colleague and human being).

So, as I take my next steps, even if the path may seem dark at times, there is a lot of light, for without darkness I will never see the light. My metaphoric pot-plant is now going to sprout and flourish, in a loving and fulfilled way!

Adios!

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Parenting can often me a mind-juggle! Of course it’s the best experience which brings so much joy, connection and unconditional love; yet at the same time, it can be relentless, exhausting and demanding. And with that comes so much (unnecessary) pressure and expectations to partake in certain activities, do things a particular way and (metaphorically) tick off items on the list to be a good parent. Sound familiar?

I have done it all – I’ve printed bucket lists in all the colours, categories and seasons. I’ve written in journals what I want to achieve as a family for the year. I’ve colour-coded who / what / how. I’ve researched and gathered information on the perfect family things to do! The list is endless, but now I feel done! And mainly because this list either stares me in the face making me feel ever-so guilty for not achieving these unrealistic milestones, or I begrudgingly undertake my set-out action points and resent every minute!

There’s so much competition and heaviness to appear picture perfect like you doing it all, all Insta-happy, smiles all round! But I’ve decided to rethink how I want to approach parenthood and what’s important to me going forwards. I questioned my thinking: was it necessary to do X amount of extra-ordinary things per month? Did I have to do what others were doing and pretend to love every minute of it? Was it paramount to follow the masses because that’s just the done thing? This personal interrogation was not all rosey, but very necessary, confronting and emotive.

So… I decided, especially during a global pandemic which in itself brought on implausible stress, anxiety and uncertainty, to drop the musts and just flow, flow with whatever felt right. It took a lot of introspection to admit that what would have been a small win previously, actually was promoted to a massive achievement, with all things considered. Just think – lack of resources, support and hands on help, everyone working and schooling within the same four walls, so yes, the so-called insignificant things, became big wins!

With this in mind, I just spurted out everything which I conquered, achieved, survived and enjoyed from the past months. I dug deep, opened up my heart and tried to hone in and focus on some of the menial things which worked, some of the most simplistic things which created deep-rooted memories which will last my lifetime. Things such as using our Amazon boxes to build tents and sensory dens which the kids could colour, paint, express themselves in and just enjoy – hassle free. All of us dancing together like crazy to Let It Go and Beauty and the Beast in the Living Room giggling and getting so dizzy we all collapsed. Upcycling our recycling to create arts and crafts which were fab (and subsequently recycled again). Going on long walks through the woods and admiring the nature. Lifting up our fence to have weekly dinners with our neighbours and creating new friendships which probably wouldn’t have come to fruition previously. Drawing pictures with the girls and dropping off snack packs at their friends who we all missed so dearly. Carving pumpkins for Halloween and hanging festive lights in our driveway for those passing by to enjoy. We baked for our local Fire Department and Police Station to thank them for their efforts. We went on drives to see the Festive Lights and played Conkers in our back garden. And yes, all of this brought such meaning and depth to me as a mum, as an individual and as a family as a whole.

And yes, I know these things seem like daily and yearly happenings, nothing like the mind-blowing, adrenaline seeking pinnacles on the conventional bucket list. Nope, there wasn’t climbing Kili, or skydiving. Nor was there horse-back riding on the beach or visiting all the Seven Wonders of the World. Also, it was not seeing The Northern Lights or swimming with dolphins. One day but not now…

But for the first year in a long time, it did not seem to matter. My priorities and needs seemed to have shifted. All of a sudden my dreams from the external became the internal. My day-dreaming and aspirations of all these wonderful adventures morphed into something more sentimental and valuable. The big, bold, out-there externalities seemed to have whittled down into more contained and precious moments with those who meant the most to me. The beauty of this reverse bucket list is its gentleness and kindness. It allowed authenticity and realness to come to the forefront, transparently. It’s allowed me to zoom in on what I wanted to see, and blur out the rest of the superfluous things, even if just momentarily. I did take photos to capture the moment, and these will be framed and spoken about for years to come, in its own unique ways.

And of course, I still have my monumental bucket list for one day when the time is right, but the pressure to be on schedule unrealistically has dissipated. If bucket lists are all about seizing the day, then yes, I can confidently say I am ticking off my personal list, and am smashing it. I’ve started acknowledging and being grateful for the things I have achieved, rather than resentful for the utopian hopes of one day!

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Thoughts racing in and out of my mind, subconsciously.
Thinking about the What-Ifs, some things in my control, most not.
My dazed mind starring at one twinkling star – my starlight, star bright.
Big decisions of where I want to be and what I want to be doing engulfing my sleep deprived body and mind.
My long to-do list just gets longer and longer, the more awake I am.
Why haven’t I done this or that pops up repeatedly.
Why can’t I sleep infuriates me, yet keeps me awake longer.
Setting routines and structures for my offspring, yet boundary-less for myself.
Why don’t I get the same mindful treatment as I happily hand out?
Can’t switch off my thinking: it’s on overdrive.
Trying to reroute my direction on a road less bumpy.
Do all roads have humps, holes and speed bumps encouraging a change in pace?
The more I try to focus and hone in, the more my concentration fades.
Come on mind, be still.
Be fluid but stop being controlling and all-encompassing.
Breathe in and let go of all the frustrations with a deep loud sigh, expel it.
Life can be a myriad of layers and intricate complexities, embrace the details as well as step back and enjoy your masterpiece.
There’s only one shot at life: be happy, be bold, be assertive and know what you want and more so, what you deserve.
Radiate your inner essence and your spark will illuminate yourself and your callings.
Listen closely, unmute that inner voice yearning for connection.
Tune in, don’t judge and take action.
Remember there’s only one life, make a difference, be a light and be the change.
Learn to love thyself again and laugh again.
Big deep belly laughs to evoke passion and your buried zest.
It’s there, somewhere deep within.
Trust and respect your gut.
You’ve got it, you ain’t a prisoner, you’re a solider, a warrior and will emerge victorious leading your way, willingly and proudly.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t worry.
If not now, when?
My life or your life? Mine. So why the errs? Why the hesitations?
Come on, stop being handcuffed and restricted by your mind and fears.
Use your mind to flourish, to nurture and to fly free.
Free of judgements and validations.
Free with a wingspan of hope, courage and resilience.
Release the shackles of your thoughts, and move forward, one shuffle at a time.
Be authentic, be real, be you!
Now, not later!
One chance – Go!

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When someone asked me, “what is the ”South Africa” in me?” it may be ponder what it really means to me, as it forms a huge chunk of my identity, as it’s my home! Or is it really my home, or is it more accurately, my birthplace?

I have a real love-hate relationship with that place. I was born there in the 80’s (yonks ago, I know). Growing up as a kid there was fab, the weather was incredible, we spent days in the pools, playing outdoors, tons of sports and holidays at the beach. It appeared carefree. People were friendly and warm. But having high fences and gates were the norm. I never questioned the reality of living in a safe enclosure, like a mini prison, it was just a part of our home. Until much later and more so, today as a grown up!

I am inherently proud to be a Saffa. My roots are strong. My essence is that of my fellows – friendly, warm, open! I always remember speaking to the petrol attendants, or the ladies packing my groceries: conversations which stretched far beyond a simple hello. Chats about our lives, our families, our struggles and our shared loves. There was always an underpinning sense of togetherness – Ubantu – despite being so isolated behind our own high walls and barbed wire fences. Ironic.

My South Africa was shattered when my brother was hi-jacked and kidnapped. My rendition of a warm, intertwined feeling of closeness to my fellow people instantly transformed into a sense of fear for my life and those closest to me. My sense of safety and being comfortable was robbed from me. How could I trust anyone? How do I know their intentions? My ‘giving someone the benefit of the doubt’ approach buckled. Life felt tense. I was nervous to stay home alone, to drive alone, to walk through the mall alone. I grew eyes on the back of my head, I knew who was around me all the time, and I could never drop my guard.

This bipolar relationship to a place I call(ed) home haunted me. How could I love the same thing I hated and feared so much? It didn’t make any sense. I was torn and found no inner peace with these pulls, until I moved countries to the UK. Having the opportunity to retract, breath and process how much a country, a place, a home meant to me became a real discovery exercise.

I was able to accept the good, the bad and the ugly and not let one element taint the other. The South Africa in me will always remain dear and close as it moulded who I am. It grounded me. It made me strong. Moving from a third world country to a first world country, I felt resilient and ready to tackle whatever came my way. My work ethic is strong. I am committed and passionate. I know what hard work and achievement feels like and I give that all to where I came from.

With my very own eyes, I saw and gained so much from the diversity of the country. I witnessed raw talent of the street vendors making wire and beaded goods like none other. I felt a strong rhythm in the beat of the country. The passion and spirit was prevalent. The dancing and singing wherever I went. There was no holding back and none of this, I am too X to do this / be that. People lived and expressed themselves openly and proudly.

Being a minority (white and Jewish and female) in a predominately black society, where there is an unfair / reverse discrimination towards White people, following the Apartheid, called BEE (Black Economic Empowerment), this made me push myself. I excelled and developed myself in order to show up in a way which felt good to me. I know I was hired based on my skills and expertise, not based on my background and skin colour. This is a very harsh reality of living in such a culture. But it made me strong. It made me question what was important to me. It taught me to stick to my guns (excuse the pun in South African terms). And for all of this, I am proud and grateful.

On the flip side, my experience of South Africa ended very abruptly. I resigned, packed up and moved quickly. For many years, I sat on the fence with one foot rooted in South Africa and one foot in the UK. This felt safer, yet very unsettling. I wanted the best of both worlds, but did this exist? Did I have to choose between one or the other? I knew I couldn’t extract the good of both and toss the bad out. Life doesn’t work like this.

So, as I decided to embrace a life here in London, starting a family and setting firm roots, I felt an overriding sense of relief and love for where I came from. The goodness, the life lessons, the camaraderie will always live and burn bright within me. Yes, I will continue to be uber street smart and more cautious than my neighbours and friends, but that is deeply ingrained within.

My South Africa, I salute you!

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1. Life is so damn unpredictable and we ain’t in control, as much as we think we are. I believe we need to put in our efforts but there needs to be some kind of surrender that we aren’t orchestrating the world. We can choose how we going to react and feel, but cannot choose the events which are unfolding (i.e. a pandemic).
2. Self-care; self-love; self-preservation! Preaching to a little degree, but this last year, more than ever in my whole life, have I become aware of the need and value for looking after myself: emotionally, physically and holistically. Whether that means time out, writing, exercising; whatever does it for you. For me: it was about writing my blog, having baths, listening to music on Calm, colouring in a ginormous A0 picture!
3. Squares on the metaphoric grid of life where people (including myself before my full awareness) only portray themselves in a perfect way, living the perfect life. I’ve learn’t life ain’t perfect, life is rocky, life can get messy. What you see on social media, ain’t the full picture always. Picturesque backgrounds, immaculate hair and make-up, only smiles, perfect houses and holidays: this is part of a truth, not the full truth with all which it encompasses. For me, yes I wanted to showcase all the 1,00000 crafts I did over lockdown, and the gorgeous sunsets I encountered on my 1,000000 walk this year when there’s nothing else to do…. but for example, what prompted that walk was a tantrum by a threenager or a meltdown that the pink plate was dirty. You get the drift, and it’s so much healthier to acknowledge the full scope: the good, the bad and the ugly!
4. Slow the F*#@ down! I was living life at 100 miles an hour, all the time! I was living in auto-pilot, just going, going, going! I felt like there was always stuff to do, to achieve, to clean, to cook, to present, that I kind of lost sight of the world and beauty around me, even in the smallest things. As lockdown and the Corona-coaster hit, I was somewhat forced to slow down my pace, and start to rejig my focus to what’s really valuable. I realised life doesn’t have to be lived in the past lane, always chasing and pursuing. I learnt to breathe more, and used grounding techniques to often remind myself that I am actually in the here, and now, and that that is OK! I came to the realisation that I believed if you fell off the boat in the fast lane, there was no getting back on, so it was now or never. This year taught me to stop, slow the pace and be accepting of a lower-key pace.
5. Self-discovery is a lot (and I mean a lot) of hard work. Change doesn’t happen overnight. I took a personal oath to start reflecting on my life, as something just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t place my finger on what it was, and I am still uncovering layers and layers of the real me, but what I found is that I have truly opened my mind and my heart to grow, evolve and change. Working through past bags of heavy baggage all-encompassing and often, overwhelming, but as soon as I saw a little glimmer of hope and light, it was an addictive feeling so dig more and feel more.
6. Being honest with myself in the most authentic way was a biggie! Admitting life is hard, be it because of lockdown, fears of the unknown with COVID, fears of getting ill, fears of when will I see my family in SA (the list is endless). I saw and gained clarity that I’ve worn the all is grand facade for way too long, and something gave in, and I finally realised this brave face is letting me down so to speak. Being honest and saying to myself, life is hard, changed my life. That realisation of listening to my deep inner voice and to be honest, opened up so many doors and I hope so many avenues in the months and years to come.
7. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! This last year has highlighted how few boundaries I have personally and professionally, and that this blurred line has led to a lot of unrealistic expectations I have for myself and others have expected of me. Without firmly believing and acting on the notion that a NO, is a NO, I always found myself navigating too far out and often (from the goodness of my heart) giving too much of myself to my detriment.
8. I am not a heart surgeon; I am not saving lives! This statement has stuck in my head from when I worked at Ticketmaster. I remember the head of Marketing repeating it to be and my teammates regularly. This is a point of tension for me, as I always want to give work my 100% despite being part time, a mom of 2 toddlers, a chaotic life and a busy mind. I am still finding my groove in work between giving it my all and being the contentious employee I’ve always been and never compromising my standards, versus realising work is just work. Leave the stress and heaviness at the office at 5pm! I am constantly swaying between caring less without feeling guilty and pushing myself to do more. This is something for my 37th year.
9. I’ve learnt that I love red wine: Malbec and Rioja. It calms my nerves and soothes my mood – yes, within moderation! I feel like I’ve become a connoisseur (and a semi- alcoholic) 🙂
10. Health is critical and I often take it for granted. It’s amazing how you take it for granted, until you’re diagnosed with something! For me, getting COVID-19 whacked me in so many ways. Physically of course -migraines, achy, no smell and taste, cough – but emotionally too! I was part of the statistics which are plastered everywhere, and realised that each day we have our health and our body works, we need to be thankful.
11. I only have one life! I’ve got this message so many times and in so many different formats! I’ve really started to question why I do things I do not enjoy? Why do I engage with people who are condescending? How should I be spending my limited time?
12. This past year I have learnt every single fact about Peppa Pig. Who is who, who does what, who is best friends with who, which countries which characters come from, how many siblings each has, how old everyone is… my trivia Peppa knowledge is outstanding!
13. I (together with the majority of society) have a very large discrepancy between their outer brave, happy facade / mask and how they’re really feeling inside, and the large this gap is, the more inner turmoil there is. My biggest lesson was acknowledging this! It’s not all hunky dory, despite what you see in the pics. I’ve learnt to be open and accepting of this…
14. Sleep is precious and so valuable, and essential for (semi) normal functioning. I have had a lot of sleep deprivation this year, due to toddlers and an active mind, and I have seen the repercussions and how easy it is to spiral when this basic human need is not met. Sleep when you can, they say! Wise words – and yes – I am listening to that being 37!
15. I crave human interaction! It’s become so evident how much is lacking when there isn’t physical, face to face stimulation. Thank goodness for Zoom, Teams, WhatsApp and so on, but authentic 1-1 in the hear and now is priceless and cannot be replicated. It’s funny as I always wanted to WFH, and then was forced to full time, then it’s amazing how the solitude of working alone becomes challenging and how I wish I had 1-2 days in an office with people. The ideal dream often isn’t as we imagine.
16. Family is everything! Never ever taken them for granted! There is nothing like a close-knit family, and nobody can replace those unbreakable relationships. Remember those days when everyone lived in the same country….
17. I’ve learnt to up-cycle junk for arts and crafts and it’s been awesome! Who would have thought that egg cartons and milk bottles had so many uses? And empty loo rolls – yes we painted and decorated them and printed faces of each of my family members, and made mini people! Best fun!
18. Grounding techniques and big belly breathes can calm me down when in fight or flight mode, in big breathes and out longggg breathes! Also, things such as naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste! Helps bring me back into the present when I am overthinking, or anxious and irritable.
19. I’ve stopped to look at nature more so than before. For me, there’s something cathartic about watching the clouds wisp by, or jumping in the crunchy Autumnal leaves, or listening to the rain on the skylights. Nature is one thing which remains constant. Seasons come and go; but they always return, year in and out! A valuable lesson.
20. Ditch those who zap your energy and your mood! Lockdown has taught me that we do not have the time for everyone; it helped me do the (very necessary) cull of people in my life; some who I held onto for selfish reasons, some who I felt obliged to and others who I was fearful to let go of.

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I’ve been toing and froing with the notion of what type of mum I thought I would be vs the mum I really am, as well as what type of baby I thought I would have vs what type of baby I actually have. Big topic, right? Room for a lot of discrepancies if you consider what a textbook baby is vs reality. A lot of greyness. Gut-wrenching at times, but such a wonderful eye-opening exercise. For me, a valuable task.

Let me begin! For me, there appears to be a very wide gap between what I thought and what has happened. Having such high ideals and standards, which haven’t always been realistically achievable, has left me (plus the majority of parents) feeling somewhat inadequate at times, questioning a lot, doubting myself as well as thinking I have failed as a mum… Harsh. Yes! All I pretty much knew of babies, was the few hours I had spent around friends’ babies and when they melted or tantrum-hour started, I often left. Being the oldest of my cousins, I was never surrounded by babies, so all I had to go off was NCT, books and the likes of blogs and forums – room for many (too many) opinions.

As I’ve learnt from speaking to perinatal specialists, it takes a village to raise a child. Literally and metaphorically. I do believe bringing up children when each member of the extended family was nearby for hands-on help, support, wisdom and guidance, made a world of difference. Gone are the days when everyone lives in the same country, let alone the same town. I mean, my fam-damily are spread between London and Johannesburg, Cape Town and Zanzibar. Worlds apart. Time zones apart. So yes, rearing a child in (kind of) isolation from my loved ones – bloody SH*@T! Yep. With this in mind, during pregnancy, I started accumulating information, images, preconceived notions, ideas and ideals of what a parenting relationship with my baba SHOULD / WOULD look like. I started to believe things were concretised and there was no leeway, otherwise my standards would be lowered. 

Type of baby I thought I’d have

• I thought my baby would be more cooperative and act according to how babies should be
• I thought my baby would be settled / or would settle easily with me as I am her mama
• I thought my baby would just Breastfeed, like NCT demonstrates and that it would be easy, not painful and come naturally, all you need to do is shove the baba on your boob. Simple, yea?
• I thought my baby would listen, not ignore me and achieve all her milestones according to the books
• I thought my baby / child would never be the biter or the one to act out, as I am so compliant, obedient and do as I am told, so she would model my behaviour
• I thought my baby would have a similar temperament to me: not feisty, but relatively calm
  
  BIG FAT LOL!

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Talk about a ride of a lifetime! For me, Coronavirus can be equated to Armageddon; living in a time of a silent battle, between the so called good (society – and that’s debatable for another day) and evil (the virus). It’s created so many battles within me during the last year, often which have just been shut down because the theme of Covid and all it encompasses for me, is just too much. The battle of lack of control, lack of knowing, lack of time-scale, lack of discrimination. For 365 days of this craziness, I often felt ignorance is bliss, I tried to not delve too deep into thinking about it, and we adhered to the national guidelines and did our bit. The stats and death-toll were totally uncomprehendible to me. I couldn’t visualise the numbers as it is all too catastrophic.

However, on day 365, exactly one year since the first case was announced in Wuhan, my hubby tested positive. It is a moment I will never forget. It looked like all the blood drained from his face when he said “Monk, I am positive”. My brain raced to what if X, what will we do if Y, it can’t be us, bla bla bla! Rewind a little, we had previously all had 3 tests prior to this for seasonal coughs and sniggles, as a precautionary measure, but never did I think, it would happen to us. Thinking about it, did I think we were invincible? I did for a long time, believe as we are TG not vulnerable, we would be OK. This became a moment where time stood still, and I felt like life was so, so fragile. Totally out of our control. We take too much for granted, and all within moments, the sentiments of what’s important shone bright: health and family.

Shortly thereafter, I received my test results and surprise surprise, I was positive too. With not much time to process it, I went into autopilot mode: how will I look after the girls, meals, work, house, our health. It just bubbled and bubbled inside, until it all erupted and I became terrified for our lives. Not because our symptoms were awful in the beginning, but all the what ifs started filling my brain and crashing me back down. I knew I had to Mama-up and stand strong for my troops, but I needed space to feel all the feelings and really reflect on what was happening in our little family unit.

Fast forward another day, and both girls tested positive! The worst text message to receive as a Mama ~ SIENNA / SKYLA: YOU HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONA-VIRUS, SO YOU MUST STAY HOME AND SELF-ISOLATE FOR 10 DAYS (feels more like 10 years). The guilt and emotion that washed over me was horrid. Was it my fault because I sent them to childcare? Were we irresponsible somewhere along the lines? Did we break the rules and now my girls are vulnerable? The thoughts were numbing, and debilitating.

Time and time again, I’ve had to remind myself that we’re all living through a global pandemic, something which is making history, something which has not been experienced before and thus, there is no manual, no blueprint what will be next, or how best to react. This virus is a silent terrorist in my eyes; it’s out to harm and kill and there’s no controlling it with any kind of barriers and boundaries. It just feels like an unstoppable force which has overrun the entire globe. No country is safe; no religion is safe; no gender is safe; no race is safe!

Self-isolating with other sick people ain’t easy! Two super active and energetic girls + 2 adults who are breathless, can’t lift their heads = not the best recipe. I’ve learnt so many lessons this week, some of which I hope I can take into life outside quarantine.

– Be kind to yourself: I dug deep and hard to find my self-compassionate voice and tried to hone in on that instead of the critical voice. I’ve tried hard not to blame myself for catching it; I’ve tried not feeling guilty that nursery / childminder have had to shut and other parents are probably seething! I have to keep reminding myself it is not my fault, it is not our fault! We are living in a pandemic.
– It’s OK not to be OK: when friends have asked how I am, my reaction is OK. Physically I’ve felt like death, the symptoms keep rollin’ n rollin’ in! I’ve always answered how I’m feeling physically! However, emotionally, it is a SH&#@t storm! It is taxing, it is relentless, it is terrifying, it is worrying, it is numbing, the list is endless. What I’ve learnt from my very good friend (my voice of reason) – say it’s hard, say it’s crap, say it’s not OK and that in itself is cathartic. And there’s no shame in this (I am learning, very very slowly).
– Accept help: when people offer help, there’s no need to be ashamed and say NO. People will only offer help, if they want to help. It is not putting people out, it’s allowing people who care to do something to ease up the situation at hand. We’ve been offered a meal rota with dinners and lunches, shopping, cooking, Shabbat meals, chocolates, crafts for the kids. The amount of soup and Challah we received has been enough for an army, we are blessed with the best.
–Tag team: This is the only way for survival when we’re both down with COVID. Be gentle and compassionate to each other. Let each other sleep, lots of low key activities while one can chill and one on duty. But tagging means speaking up too. Which I’ve found hard. Saying I feel crap and I need to rest can do the world of good, for everyone, trust me!

This is an ongoing blog, watch this space….

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What a year! 2020 – there’s so much to say about you, so much I’d love to scream about, cry about, yet so much has emerged from you! Never ever in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, more accurately), could I vaguely conjure up anything close to what global society has encountered. It’s not even comparable to anything our generation has experienced before, and therefore, there’s no blueprint on what’s next, what to expect, how to react, and most importantly, knowing that the 7.5 billion people in the world are experiencing the same, talk about a common thread across every single country in the world -> world unity (LOL).

If I am totally honest with myself whole-heartedly, I’d say this year has been a struggle! Yes, there’s always a silver-lining, but my gawd, it’s been relentless, full-on, non-stop! Autopilot has been my default survival mode. Often, functioning without much thought, just living robotically. Kinda like mentally-checked out, mind-wandering and day-dreaming, without much focus! The opposite to my old normal default. I recall so clearly, in the heart of the spike, someone asking me how I am, and I said surviving, and he said you should be thriving! Surviving it was, there was no making plans, no seeing our family and friends, no nursery, no going into the office, no parks, nadda! Our (thankfully big) 4 walls felt like they were becoming smaller and smaller, closer and closer with us 4 surviving together, adapting and re-juggling all our stuff together.

So, the corona-coaster has taught me so many things, some which I just took for granted, and others which showed how strong and resilient I am. Here goes, 20 things from 2020:

1. Family is everything! Never ever (fucking) take them for granted. They are the backbone of life, they support and push through the thick and the thin. Clique yes. 
2. The world is large, yet so small. Before Corona, I thought with technology the world felt smaller. It’s easy to chat to family in South Africa on FaceTime and it made them feel a lot closer, with the underlying knowledge that trips could be booked whenever. However, not knowing when next I can see my dad makes the world feel vast and scary, like aliens on different planets.
3. Be thankful for health. Corona is a silent terror. Every breathe I take is a blessing. Doing those COVID tests are so frightening, as I never knew what the result would be, and therefore what would unfold thereafter.
4. It’s OK to swear! F%@* became one of my default words. It ain’t going to kill anyone, but is a good tension-reliever!
5. Creativity is inherent in us all. I was able to be so creative with my girls, from making animals out of egg boxes, to elephants out of milk bottles, cars out of Amazon boxes. Sometimes, it’s the simple things that are the most fun. It’s amazing how far the imagination can span when you just let it do its thing. Far beyond what I expected, and it’s amazingly fun.
6. Connection is key! When faced with isolation and lack of face-to-face interaction, ensuring connection and relationships with those closest to you is critical. Be in on WhatsApp, online games, Zoom calls with the kids, dropping cards at those nearest and dearest.
7. Admitting things are hard helps take some of the pressure off wanting everything to be picture perfect all the time. I remember someone saying, imagine just letting out some air of a really full balloon and then chances are it won’t pop. That’s it right. I learnt to ask for help and let go of wanting to do it all by myself. I realised it’s not a sign of failure, it’s actually a sign of strength and courage.
8. A biggie I learnt is that social media has it’s pros and cons! A lot of the content on those squares is filtered, staged and can really create an internal battle within, making you feel like you’re doing less, you are not as good and you’re not enough. BS! I’ve done it myself, how many times do we retake a pic so it’s Insta perfect? Many! How often what is depicted is the full picture? Hardly ever! It’s like why air your dirty laundry! But I strongly internalised that Insta is not the full puzzle. It should not be grounds for any kind of comparison. Big lesson!
9. Community is so vital. Before lockdown 1.0, our neighbours weren’t very close. The camaraderie and care that was created was something I’ve never experienced before. People were shopping for each other, people were making soup for each other, people were having drinks together in their own driveways, kids of different ages were engaging. It was truly heart warming. By lockdown 2.0, it was like one big happy family. I am truly blessed with such special neighbours who I trust, we have each other’s backs, we’ve laughed together, we’ve whinged together! We’ve lifted the fences between us and had socially distanced BBQs together.
10. Being in the moment doesn’t need to be 24/7. I thought I needed to be in it 100% of the time with the girls, giving them my undivided attention and if not I was failing and letting them down. I learnt that it’s a lot more effective to give 100% for shorter periods, than half hearted for longer periods. And this without guilt! Kids are more resilient and self sufficient that I expected. Word.
11. Allowing children to be bored some of the time is a good thing. I always wanted to do thing after thing after thing. But I heard a child psychologist say, when kids are bored, it gives them the space to use their mind and exercise their imaginations in a free way. Structure and formal activity is fantastic, but often, more creativity and stimulation can come from uninhibited play.
12. Self-care is a non-negotiable. And yes, I am somewhat preaching. Because I didn’t initially practice this. However, feeling totally drained and burnt out is the result of a lack of care. I learnt to take bubble baths without feeling guilty. I found micro-moments for myself, whether it was making a coffee and drinking it in peace alone, or writing personal blogs to get my thoughts together, or listening to calm music. For me, writing was my biggest care tool. It helped me express the good, the bad and the ugly (and gosh, it got ugly).
13. There’s nothing wrong with speaking to a professional. I. had so many stigmas and taboos about therapy. Only screwed up people go! But it is such a great space for thinking about things which seem hard and discussing objectively. I realised you don’t need to be screwed up to speak to a therapist. I found it so cathartic and reassuring and this was one of my biggest shifts forward in 2020. Something I’ll defo not be afraid of in the future.
14. Red wine and gin are king! Red wine became my best friend, it took the edge off some of the shittest days, and comforted the long days. However, I learnt it’s not a healthy coping strategy. Everything in moderation (hence the dry January)….
15. Us, humans, are not in control. We cannot control what’s happening in the world as much as we all think we can. We are not invincible or protected, we are all equals. I know I try to control my circumstances as much as I can, but I’ve learnt to put my hands up at times, and appreciate that this is life for now, our old normal has shifted to a new, crazy normal, but it is OK. It’s about acceptance I found, instead of fighting and trying to push away, accept and things do feel easier. Trust.
16. Gratitude! During what was a hell of a year, so many tradegies and losses, and moments of grief, I decided every evening I would acknowledge 3 things I was grateful for that day. Some days this seemed impossible, yet I forced myself to practice this gratitude and I’ve since continued and it’s amazing how grateful we can be for the small things. Things such as a warm cup of tea, nice neighbours, glitter, Peppa Pig, cuddles, a smile….
17. I am resilient. I feel that 2020 taught me I can truly withstand difficult situations. And I will be OK. I have all the tools within that I need. Some days were rough, some nights were super rough, lack of sleep, lack of motivation, sibling rivalry, fear of Covid, lack of connection, lots of thinking, but I survived. I came out stronger and braver and more courageous than I ever would have imaged. Yes, I am usually shy, scared and like calculated decisions knowing things are safe and somewhat controlled. 2020 pushed me out of my comfort zone 1000 times, thanks 2020!
18. Working from home is possible! Gone are the days of 9-5! Gone are the days of solely working in an office. I always looked at my hubby and freelance friends and thought, God I couldn’t do that, with no team around, motivating myself to get out of bed and work. You gotta be a go-getter! But I did it. I found my little working corner. I made it cosy. I ensured I got out of PJs every day (sometimes unwillingly) and I just got on with it and smashed it. It’s amazing how mind-shift and focus is SO within our remit.
19. Nursery and childcare is so uber important for kiddies, no matter how young. I am so lucky to have two settings which both seem like a home away from home! I am blessed my girls love it and just want to go, and the care, love and support has been unreal. It’s mind-blowing how much passion and zest is put into caring and ensuring the wellbeing of our kids. Teachers and childcare practitioners (mine and all others) – I salute you! You are my super-heroes!
20. My biggest learning of 2020: I learnt I am HUMAN! Not superhuman. Just ordinary like everyone else. I’ve always wanted things to be perfect. Wanted kids who slept through. Wanted a tidy house. Wanted a lot of unrealistic things, which often lead me to having very high expectations of myself, my life and my family. Which lead to a lot of guilt and feelings of potential failure! It’s OK to shout, it’s OK to cry, it’s OK to have a lot of take-aways, it’ OK to binge on Peppa, it’s OK to want to not get up, it’s OK to cry and say life is a shit-storm, it’s OK to be in your own bubble and not care what others think or say, it’s OK not to be OK.

So with all of that, I step into 2021! Hopefully it’s a year I don’t want to CONTROL-ALT-DELETE! But it is another year of growth, of love, of unity, of support, of self-discovery and ultimately, the world getting back to some kind of normality, whatever that may look like.

Love and peace y’all! 🙂

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What a bizarre phrase – the pecking order. Originally referred to the expression of dominance in chickens: a measure of dominance and leadership. Later on used in reference to social organisation. Social hierarchy. Power structure. Is it about bullying your way to the top by exerting force by submission of the counterpart, or is it about importance and value and who is to determine that? So with this in mind… my question since entering the realm of motherhood – HOW should the order of priority and focus be determined in a new family structure?

I am guilty as guilty gets, hands up! When I became a mom, I went from the top (near the top) of my priority list, all the way down to number who knows. Scary, but not uncommon!

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As I lay in a steaming hot water, sensual salts warming my body and rejuvenating my sleep deprived, washed out self, my eyes felt like they were fully opened, just momentarily before the fear of full change could gain traction.

I was surrounded my a Minnie Mouse bath mat, Granddad Dogs boat floating aside of me and multiples water tunnels stuck on to the wall next to me, not to mention all the ducks, numbers, cups and balls which bathed alongside me. It was cramped and colourful. In conjunction with this kiddie-laden existence which I was literally engulfed in, I lay with a (large) glass of my favourite red vino, scented candles and reminisced about how I used to do this when and how I wanted. I wasn’t fixed to a schedule, I never had routines to adhere to, I was so called “free” to do what I wanted. Whereas now, I was somewhat bound by time.

Jump back to my new existence, kid-laden and not as “free”, I lay in the bath with my two sleeping angels tucked away in their beds, and felt full, a different sense of freedom. Free from any shackles which trapped me from wanting kids, or the cells which contained me when my fear of birth overwhelmed me. One where my hands were full of blessing, nourishment and bundles of intense beauty. My sense of freedom had shifted. 100%. My so-called “freedom” is now when they are at nursery or asleep and this freedom seems so much more precious, hard earned and of much more value and worth. It is mine. I deserve it. It’s not unlimited, it’s confined and timely, but priceless.

Navigating from my current reality to my reality of the past is something I’ve toed-and-froed with for three years! Backwards and forwards. Backwards and forwards. Missing and yearning, at times, to do what I want when I want and how I want, but then the thought of forgoing this reality, never! Never ever would I give up my two angels, despite anything, for something that was fleeting, fun, frivolous and easily forgotten. It always felt like I had to have one or the other, they couldn’t co-exist. If I wasn’t 100% in mother mode, I’ve failed. But am I never 100% in work mode? No. Am I ever 100% in house mode? No. Am I ever 100% in social and relationship mode? No. So why the pressure to always be 100% in mother mode? BIG QUESTION. My narrative of motherhood is layered with pressure after pressure, to be perfect all the time, not just ordinary.

It’s so hard to have both realities living side by side and hand in hand. Intertwined. I’ve felt like I’ve had to full on switch off reality 1 for reality 2 to exist and that brought about a lot of longing for what was and somewhat, a sense of loss. Maybe life is like a game of chess, when one piece moves, it opens up space for new move. And an acceptance of this may merge all the different realities into one: because of everything which I did and achieved, of who I was and what I valued, of my choices and decisions in part 1: I am here where I am, in the perfect place I need to be in part 2.

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Published here: https://isabellaandus.com/blog/guest-blog-talya-zwiers

We all dream of perfection when thinking about motherhood: we will be perfect mums, our birth will go according to plan (like the movies) and the transition into motherhood will be bump-less because it is (supposedly) deeply ingrained into our maternal DNA. We will innately know what we need to do and will therefore, progress and mould into our new identity of shifted responsibility and perspective easily – as a part of our greater evolution as a woman. Fairytale?

I, along with many other mums, strongly felt that I would and more so, should have that natural progression. This is the pinnacle of womanhood, right? Was something wrong with me that it was so hard? Was I hard-wired differently? Was I not cut out to be a mum? Was something wrong with my baby? Hundreds of questions wafted in and out of my thinking, enhancing and concretising my self-doubt How could I be the perfect mum when it felt so heavily loaded with so many conflicting feelings and messages?

With the beauty of motherhood often comes many junctures for falling prey to constant comparisons. The urge to get sucked in to hoping for something which may not even be in realistic reach for us is silently damaging: a baby who sleeps through, breast is best, being an (unrealistic) superhuman, the easy weaner, the child who doesn’t bite, the list is endless. With so much pressure on both externalities, the fear of (self and other) unacceptance as well as the way we as mums present ourselves and our versions of motherhood, there’s a trap for failure, inadequacy and not feeling good enough. Remember it’s easy to put out the best, well-groomed, brave faced version of ourselves, when internally, you’re feeling conflicted, sleep deprived, a loss of identity and somewhat in the dark. Filters, hashtags and pretending aren’t a long-last solution. Yes, it’s often easier to depict a rose-tinted version of yourself, rather than accepting and recognising the (hard) truths which underlie.

Fast forward time, with the magic of hindsight and the help of many kind souls, I as a mum, have accepted (whole-heartedly) that it is OK not to always be OK. It’s OK to admit it’s tough with the knowledge that nothing’s wrong with you and it’s tough for everyone. It’s OK to long and mourn your old life of freedom and independence, doing what you wanted when you wanted. It’s OK to admit you need time and space without the guilt and judgement that you’re neglecting the kiddos. It’s OK to juggle and even drop the ball sometimes, as all we are, are human. Not superhuman. It’s OK to confess that motherhood is different to how you envisaged it. This is the only true way to grab the bull by its horns and embrace motherhood and the intricacies therein.

Once true self-acceptance, especially in the role of a mum, is integrated into the intertwining chapters of your life, then motherhood is awarded a new shining crown. A new dimension where you’re able to tap into a sense of truth. Truths of connections, relationships, learnings and love. One where it can boldly shine all that it has to offer, without the fear of being shun away, and falsely judged.

Being a mum requires the support from a metaphoric village. Love, care and guidance can come from anyone anywhere, when you’re open to receive it. Take a sneak peek how warming it can be. Sometimes all we need to do is drop our guard, expose ourselves and then we can experience gratitude for the support. Motherhood is just beautiful, and always just remember, it will be OK!

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Tonight as I rocked my crying 1 year old to sleep, I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of total unity, that we are one, sharing one lifeline, our heart beats in perfect rhythm. Our souls in harmony, where nothing else mattered.

It’s always so easy to get frustrated and angry when our little ones won’t settle, and I am guilty of this. Big time! I just long for that quiet, down time after a long day with zero me-time. I just want to breathe and close my eyes for a few short minutes, before the never-ending chores of the daily grind and parenthood continue.

But tonight, I felt different. I felt that I was the entire world and universe to her! I was all she needed. All she needed was to be held tight, cuddled and given extra love (and trust me there’s no shortage)! It felt like an epiphany: with the number of COVID-19 cases on the rise, I often can’t quantify what 20,000 people would look like. It seems such a ginormous number that will make such a great impact. Then thinking back to how much one impacts jolted me. But then I retracted back to the unicorn-filled room, and was struck of the impact of just one person! How much one single person can mean to someone else. I had the potential to make or break in that moment. The power was in my hands, how much could I change how she felt…

What we can give to someone is immeasurable and we often don’t know the ripple effects thereafter. Maybe we will never fully know the effect a small gesture will have. It could be life-changing, it could change moods, it could reroute someone down a better path. A simple hug, a smile, a Hello, a nod. Another cuddle, another kiss.

Motherhood never ceases to amaze me, day in and out. It’s full of magical intricacies if you’re open to them! I just honed in and focused on what she needed at that specific moment and by having what it took to satisfy her desires, made me feel worthwhile and of extreme value. I felt at one with my angel. It’s not about just giving. It’s also about receiving opportunities for us to stop and become aware of the interconnected relationships and connections we are in. The intricate DNA of dependencies.

A baby, no matter how old, will always strive for interconnection and attachment to its mom. I know this all so well. After 9 months of growth, bonding, total unity without any disruption, nothing can bend, tear or mangle this bond. Nothing. Now it’s just out in the open for others to witness, that’s all. It’s beautiful and surreal. It’s nature at its best. It’s my happy place. Being wanted and needed by my mini.

One second, minute, hour may be draining on ourselves, but it has the potential to boost another. I felt this so loud and clear tonight. I felt like our heartbeats are in total sync… our love is solitary.

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I get shivers down my spine when I think how quickly life can change: in a blink of an eye, a millisecond. It boggles me that 0.1 seconds can change the lives of so many people, no warning, no preparation! No matter how much we all plan and think we’re in control, we’re not! Fact.

Imagine getting that dreaded call to say your husband’s been in a big car accident by the police? Unimaginable, right? Well that’s where I’m at. I got the dreaded call as my hubby was too dazed and out of it to talk in a coherent way. If my heart could have fallen out my body, it did! It is as if my brain stopped, and I flew into autopilot, numb, frozen and in action mode. I totally felt out of my body, with the worst thoughts going through my head. What was I going to see when I got there? What was his status? What if this, what if that? My mind blurred and slurred!

Now take someone who has a ginormous fear of police, all things medical and again, freezes and doesn’t cope! Yep, me again! So add the two scenarios! Life in that moment was surreal, shattered and fragmented into shards of my thinking combined with illogical reasoning and overwhelm – recipe for disaster and panic.

Long story short, after being taken to a specialist hospital for neck and spine injuries, he was spared another chance! With a written off car, poles bent, tyres flying off and the whole shebang, he walked away (very bruised and sore) – with a ruptured finger! Someone was watching over him, and over us as a family!

No pity required, but I feel it was such a huge awakening! I saw the hand of a higher power so vividly. Against all odds and what went on at the scene, the driver of the car shouldn’t be here to tell the tale. It just sucks that sometimes people need such big bashes and crashes and disaster right in front of our very eyes to be reminded how fragile life is! Why when things are all hunky dory do we just take life for granted and do not appreciate day by day?

Life is so precious. Family and friends are everything. Life is about relationships. Intangible feelings and connections. Deeper links. Life is about caring for one another, for looking out for people’s needs and offering a helping hand. It’s not about the material things. Often we feel we’ve made it when we strive and achieve all superficially.

The foundation of happiness needs to be built on something eternal. Superficial material things can go as quickly as they come. REAL happiness needs to be redefined and reviewed. And questioned!

What makes us happy? What is life all about? Can happiness be bought? Or is there something deeper. I know the answer….

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When overwhelm strikes, and emotions go wild, my automatic response has always been to flee and run! Run as far away as possible ~ then out of sight, out of mind! It’s like putting down the shutters, and pretending whatever it is, doesn’t exist, even momentarily.

My whole life has always felt like there were two options for dealing and coping with uneasy situations. One is to be totally overwhelmed, panic, consumed with emotion and paralysed that I can only react and act accordingly, and often without some kind of common sense. Two, is to flee and run and ignore. If I’m not in it, I can cope. If I don’t think about it, I will manage and carry on. But is there a middle ground? How can I respond appropriately, with the necessary emotions and without being completely overwhelmed and engulfed by intense feelings? How, oh how do others do it?

Often, I feel it’s all or nothing, which I KNOW is not the case. Often, my head tells me one thing, yet my heart tells me another. How do I managed this discrepancy? How to I align and balance my rational thinking with my irrational feelings? Tough, right?

One option is about being stuck, unable to move, think or act. Feeling completely smashed down by the wave of pain and unable to come up for a breathe of fresh air. The other option feels easier to handle, as the event is compartmentalised and can be put away and not dealt with, so the emotions that are attributed can be muted or turned off. Not helpful either: as the pain and fear strikes back even harder when that compartment is opened, often at times which are not convenient, often triggered by things not in my control.

So, what the F is the middle ground? Is there even a middle ground? Why does it have to be one or the other, in my mind? Is it more helpful to feel the feelings and experience the pain? Or is it better to shut that emotional side down and carry on with the logistics and what needs to be done? Why do magic wands not exist?

There has to be an equilibrium. Something in the middle that allows for action and feeling. I guess it’s like a tipping scale, I just need to find the balance that’s right for that particular moment, but my question is, HOW?How on earth?

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How can my baby girl be 1 today? Where has the year gone? Sounds like a cliche right? But seriously, WTF has time gone? And what a bizarre year it’s been with the chaos of the world. But the Corona-coaster has allowed me to spend an unexpected amount of time together as a family unit, which has been revolutionary to us all.

As I look back on the last 365 days of being a mama to this absolute beauty, I am overwhelmed with utter love, warmth and smiles to have this new little side kick in my life. She’s my mini-me, my everything. When I say she ALWAYS smiles, the ALWAYS is the key! Her little adventurous, curious and determined nature bewilders me every day. How can someone so small be so forward thinking? It just blows my mind and expands my heart. Tear jerker.

This year has been so life changing, obvs with a newborn but for so many reasons. I’ve gained a new perspective on life, having two little minis. I’ve realised the importance of looking after myself to help be the best mum I can. I’ve asked for support, care and guidance and I’ve listened to new ways of parenting. I’ve asked and questioned and grown, both as a mama, but as myself. I’ve been bowled over by how resilient I am as well as kids are…. reminds me on the song, Tubthumping by Chumbawanba: “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you (whatever is chucked at me) are never gonna keep me down.”

Skylie’s first year consisted of 4 months of a house renovation, so enjoying the leisure (or not so leisure) of a car seat for hours on end. Then the big bad C hit, so she spent the next 5 months in lockdown, quarantined, from what I would / could / should have done with a newborn! Then BOOM, she started at childcare! A whirlwind, or a tornado, or even a tsunami of a year, but the magical moments have defined our relationship and unbreakable bond.

My pregnancy and birth, once again, opened my eyes and heart. It is just so amazing how a mum will do ANYTHING it takes for their babes. I have the bigggggggggest needle phobia EVER! And Murphy’s Law: I got gestational diabetes. For each and every single prick (5x a day), I knew it was for the greater health of my Junior. I wouldn’t compromise or dilute anything for their benefits. I faced fear in the face! And Skylie gave me the strength to do it! C-Section, another biggie! I was petrified. Petrified may be an understatement. But I walked in, head up, ready to do whatever it took to meet my babe! The constant acts of selflessness are worth every smile, giggle, Mama call-out!

Then the obligatory but so necessary shout-outs for all the amount of help, love and support – it’s been sensational! With everyone from my doula, to lactaction consultant, to midwives and my diabetes team, neighbours, friends and of course, my family: THANK YOU!

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… or disillusion?

“The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.” – Warren Buffet. So wise Buffet!

I wish I was taller like person X, I wish I was thinner like person Y, I wish I had it all under control like my friend Z… I, together with the rest of humanity, can continue wishing and ultimately comparing ourselves to others, yet the end results are always somewhat damaging. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and I’ve seen this first hand.

Life often feels like a web full of comparative traps, where we’ve got the opportunity to bounce away and live for ourselves, or to get sucked in hoping for something which may not even be in realistic reach for us. Easier said than done, right? At each and every juncture of our lives, there is potential to compare ourselves to others, which gives us a false sense of achievement, leaving so much room for failure and feeling inadequate. But if we know this so loud and clearly, why (the hell) do we always do it?

Throughout the last 3 years of being a mama, I can count the endless junctures for comparing, which made me question if I was a good enough mum or if I was doing things wrong. And this is all too common. I’ve been blessed with two kiddos who are physically advanced, who have crawled at 4 months, stood at 6, walked by 11 months. Yet spoken a lot later than their mini peers. What did I do wrong that their vocab wasn’t as quick? Did I only focus on the physical and fine motor skills? Is something wrong with them? There’s also been moments when I’ve thought I’ve got it so wrong (again) as they won’t sleep in a buggy, or never slept through the night from 8 weeks, or still have a dummy, or or or….!

The danger of living in this comparative state is that you will never feel good enough, there will always be the potential to experience inadequacies. This often leads us to only looking at what we don’t have, instead of all our blessings and what we do indeed have.

Comparisons allow others to be in your drivers seat, dictating how we live, what we do, how we react. It’s all for the external, and this will ultimately be self destructive, as what’s next? If we don’t control the us, who will? And what’s worse, when looking towards others, we often compare their greatest and best traits to our average and not always best ones. Failure waiting to happen. Time to chuck this distorted lens and stop peering through what appears as rose tinted glasses.

Playing and not always winning at someone else’s scorecard ain’t easy! It’s not what matters in this world. What’s the point of winning the wrong game? Pointless. However, when comparisons are doing positively, then it’s a win-win. If you use someone else as a blueprint to where you want to get to, say for example in the business world, then you can observe, study and utilise their procedures to get from A-B. It’s not about wanting to be person X, it’s more about wanting to adopt successful and proven strategies than do indeed work.

A biggie in this comparison jungle is that far too often people only put out the censored, praiseworthy and well groomed version of oneself. Just think how many selfies we’ve all taken and posted, probably get 1 good one out of 10? So what’s out there for the world to see, is not always reality as we experience it. We censor what we want others to see, so when comparisons occur, it is based on an edited, maybe contrived version of ourselves. How can we compare our raw selves with fictionalised versions of others? Not apples for apples, right? This is so damaging and to me, pointless.

Sadly in today’s chaotic world, we look to compare externalities. We compare looks, weight, wealth, jobs, status. But is this really only who we are? How often do you hear I wish I was as compassionate as X, or as empathetic as person Y, or I wish I could be as charitable as person Z. Imagine the focus shifted to the internal scorecard? Imagine! Hardly ever. This is a fault with society.

And with this COVID crap, it feels, for me at least, that all the superfluous outer things which aren’t important have started to dissolve when we can’t always hide behind what’s not really us. It’s so clear for me. The real me / us are emerging loud and clear, vulnerable and questioning. But how beautiful if we could start looking to compare positively. To stop the BS of wanting to be the Jones!

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As one door closes, another opens. As we move through life, we transition from one phase to the next, one chapter to the subsequent and often, this may evoke many different reactions or feelings. There’s no right or wrong. There’s no textbook answer as it’s all so personal and circumstantial.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of transitions and changes we all experience right from being a baby throughout our lives. Some may easily flow from one to the other, where we may not even realise the change as it’s so smooth and and transparent, and possibly minor. Other transitions can really shake us, we can feel like we’ve been chucked in the deep end or they may be so emotionally jerking that we find the shift painful and anxiety provoking. Or more simply, just SH*@T!

Today is my Day 1. Again. And although I’ve been in the same boat before, it’s uneasy. Today I am back to work after my maternity leave. Back to the grind. Rejigging my focus, from baby to corporate. From naps and bottles, to blogs and spreadsheets. From close, personal and intimate 1-1 bonding, to the more expansive, more impersonal realm.

There’s the constant pull: being comfortable with the way things are, with your inertia, content with the present reality versus the excitement of the new, of change, of spreading wings. Often there’s a sense of excitement for the anticipated change or a real flurry of fears and what ifs. This is normal, I tell myself. But what is the discomfort about? Is it a fear of the unknown? It is a lack of confidence that you’re making the right decision? Is it fear of moving out of your comfort zone? Is it a fear of lack of external validation and judgement? There are so, so many questions which can make transitioning a bumpy journey, but it doesn’t always have to be.

I do believe that even if we know deep down that the time is right to transition to what’s next, it may feel hard, as familiarity is often easier than initial uncertainty. I know for me, I can often navigate situations with my eyes closed, I feel I am so done and things are stale, but that feeling of security is way easier than leaping forward to the new way (whatever they may be), and kind of inflicting some sort of change and shuffle. Obviously some transitions are inevitable, we have no choice. Often the fear of failure, or what if things don’t go according to the way it’s meant to, may immobilise us from taking that step forward. I know I freeze. I cannot move. I cannot jump.

Then there’s the self-judgement aspect of change. Am I courageous enough? Do I have the balls to do this? What if it’s not the right choice for me and I screw up? And of course, the judgement of others: why is she doing this? Is she too slack? Is she too bold? Is she mad? Is she jumping the gun? Why this, why that? Judgement can jump…

Change and transitions can be bittersweet and that’s common. It’s important to take stock of where you’ve been, what you’ve achieved, what you’ve learnt, what you’ve gained and savour the moment of gratitude of that experience before moving forward. Then move, go, confidently. There may be an element of loneliness, of mourning what was, of emptiness before once again becoming familiar with what’s new and at hand. Embrace it. Accept it. Feel whatever you feeling. If you’re scared, acknowledge the scare. If you’re unsure, embrace the uncertainty. If you’re excited, hold on to the excitement.

Often this change makes us feel out of control and there’s a lot of unpredictabilities. It may feel scary. It may feel daunting. It may feel overwhelming. This is life. Life is full of surprises. We don’t know what’s around the corner.

Humans are creatures of habit, but I guess sometimes we just need to move forward sometimes. We cannot stay still, static. That’s not life. Life is always moving, like it or not. We need to have trust in the bigger picture. We need to trust ourselves that we’ve done a thorough assessment on the opportunities and risks and that whatever we will feel will be OK. We need to just go with the waves of change and not fight the tide. Clique, I know.

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All it takes is 3 simple words, “are you ok?”. This question can literally make or break someone, someone in despair, someone having a tough time, someone who has a foggy head or has a lot going on for them. We never know what’s happening in someone’s mind, and often some genuine care, comfort and support is all that’s needed.

I know for me, especially during transitional phases where things require adjusting and letting go, these words are SO needed. The crucial part is that the question should not be empty. The asker needs to be ready to listen and hear what’s truly going on – as the answer may be, “no I am not OK.” Personal opinions and biases need to F$%@ off! It’s a time for hearing the pain, not criticising or (directly / indirectly) inflicting more big emotions, uncertainties or guilt.

I know I am going through a period of evolution and change, and in a big way. It kinda feels like an upheaval of some sort. Lots of personal changes, concurrently when there are lots of global changes. Nice. Take the trillion of shifts in the macro sense, but also in the micro. Living in a pandemic, life not being my so called normal. So, so many restrictions. Fear of what will be. Fear of life and death. Will things ever go back to normal? Changes in schedules and routines. Changes in sleep or lack of (more accurately). Working from home vs back in the office. Very shortened nursery days. Limited hands-on help. The babs starting childcare at 10 months. Letting go of being her sole carer and provider. Giving over my prized position (even to a place where I trust and of safety). Me returning to work after a bumpy, unexpected maternity leave of building works and lockdown. Just a lot for a little person.

It feels like all the nooks and crannies in my life have been rocked or even gently swayed, but nothing feels as it was. Times are changing. A lot of mega change, again! There is movement and momentum and this does feel uncomfortable and unsettling. Any change can, but so many shifts at once – stomach churning. During this time, more than ever, these 3 simple words are very much (compassionately) needed: “are you OK?”

Constantly wearing a strong, happy, brave face can also disillusion both others from offering real support as all does in fact appears hunky dory externally, as well as myself who lives with a total mismatch between the inner and the outer. This discrepancy creates so much inner turmoil as it’s so damn hard to articulate what’s really going on within, as noting appears to be going on outside on the surface level. Meanwhile back at the ranch, identity, core feelings and what makes me tick are up in the air.

I think the key is accepting that it’s OK not to feel OK and to admit things are just seriously shyte at the moment. I wish I could just shout it out confidently, with no care in the world. I need to internalise that it’s OK that there’s disruption, a few roadworks on my journey, but I need to learn to regulate and find an equilibrium inside that is adjustable to what’s going on. If things are challenging, I need to drop my self-expectations (drastically). Things cannot be the same when the elements at play are not the same. It’s not always about 1+1=2. 1+2 can not equal 2 if the variables are changed. Easier said than done. Always. It’s not about just carrying on, like I always have. It’s about pausing and breathing and feeling. Really feeling and allowing myself to feel whatever emotions pop up. There’s no shame in feeling crap. Ride the crap wave. It’s life. I fully know that feelings are feelings and humans are humans. Time for self-acceptance. Period.

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We all know our kids take up 99% of everything: our time, our energy and our mental capacity. They gracefully (on the whole) occupy every nook and cranny in our lives. There’s no metaphorical escaping these minis – because guaranteed you’ll find a lego piece hidden between the couch, crumbs in places you never knew was possible or a toy tucked away in your bed. These are indeed our mini superheroes. They teach us so much, they are adventurous and courageous, and they push us to our limits, to be the best mamas we can possibly be.

Then there’s the often more silent superhero. The one that keeps it all our sh*%t together. The dads. Dads often go unmentioned or unnoticed in the forefront, but they sure do make sure that the backend is rock strong and solid giving the whole family unit a foundation of strength, value and consciousness.

I often take a back seat and just observe how our Mr Incredible interacts with our two little girls. His zest, energy, passion and innovation confirms he is for sure, the right partner and best daddy out there. For mamas, it is more visible their roles – just think being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, nurturing, waking in the night, doing the school runs, meals and so on.

Dads do for sure play a critical role. They act as role models, the strong pillar of strength that doesn’t whither in any storm. They are able to navigate through all the emotional clouds with their feet on the floor and keep the family boat afloat. They often bring a new dimension and sense of wisdom to the kidlings which is innate, priceless and life shaping. Often a lot is learnt through actions and less speech as actions often speak louder than words, we all know this! It’s about the subtleties.

So I think dads need a big shout out, not only on Father’s day! Dads are indeed REAL superheroes. They have big strong wings to carry us all, to hold us and make us feel safe, happy and valued. They provide so much, that the list is endless. From financial support, to emotional care, they are the fun machines. Kids stand strong on their shoulders and see the world from new angles. Dads, we love you! xxx

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I, as a mum, have always wanted to be the perfect mother. I had fairytale dreams and aspirations of what motherhood would look like. Living with a white picket fence, my two kids, a dog and a cat, sunny skies…. Of brushing my daughters perfect locks, and serving pipping hot, freshly cooked dishes at every meal. Clothes would always be cleaned, perfectly folded away and toys arranged by category in the cupboard. My kids would excel in all areas, they would be sporty and musical, a dancer and an academic. There wouldn’t be screen time all the time, there would be balanced playtime, only giggles…. BIG LOL.

So life happens, children arrive – reality hits but our expectations of how we think it should be don’t lower. So there’s a misbalance between how things really exist vs. how you want them to play out. Which leaves me feeling like I’m not doing enough or I’m not good enough or am somewhat failing.

There’s an enormous amount of pressure on mothers to do things a certain way. Especially as a first time mother, you want it to be perfect, textbook perfect. I wanted to breastfeed and wanted my baby to do long naps. I wanted my baby to hit every milestone when she was due to. I never wanted tantrums or food chucked on the floor. I didn’t want her to be fluent in every single Peppa Pig episode by the age of 2.5 (thanks lockdown). But that’s life.

Being a mum of 2 has made me realise and appreciate what a “good enough” mum is. There seems to not always be enough scope for everything to be perfect, and I’ve come to realise that not all should be perfect all the time. Life ain’t always roses and peaches. Fact. Kids won’t break if they have processed chicken nuggets or fish fingers. Kids won’t break if they skip a nap, or go to bed slightly later (mum’s may break). Kids won’t break if you leave them to whinge while you’re busy attending to something else. Kids won’t break if you leave them to cry for a few minutes.

So the question remains, what is success as a mum? Is it having all your ducks in a line, everything picture perfect? Or is it being more balanced and healthy and able to then give as much of yourself as you can? I think if we as mums do not strive to be the perfect (often unrealistic mum), then we can’t expect perfection from our kids too. This will in turn release some unnecessary pressure from the relationship. There’s a massive problem with perfection – once things aren’t perfect, the blemishes are magnified way more than they. need to be. Conclusion? Good enough will do just fine.

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Growing up it’s fascinating how normal life is. You get used to a certain mould where you grow and are shaped a certain way, within your family norms and quirks. Day in and out the macro structure remains the same…. this provides a safety net plus a sense of security and belonging which all kids need to flourish – boundaries. There’s nature which is handed down from your parents, and a bit part, nurture. The way we learn to do things, are encouraged and pushed.

Fast forward (many years) to becoming a mum. What you always knew, shifts, alters and starts over. It’s time for you to now create those sets of norms and quirks for your kids to flourish within. It’s common to pick and choose the elements from your childhood which resonates with you, and in addition, to add new layers and values which you believe fit. Your old norm now becomes your new norm. Remember the days of sleeping in? Going on spontaneous weekends away? A cheeky night at the theatre? New norms set in, and it’s all about routine, naps, poos, bottles, milestones and smiles!

Fast forward (a few years) to living through a global pandemic. Your normal way of life gets shook, what you took for granted disappears and a sense of familiarity fades away, rapidly, scarily. There’s no holding onto what was, there’s only jumping into the deep end with a fresh mind ready to embrace the new. It’s an eye opener, for me certainly. It’s amazing how life seemed to come to a halt. It was like a global sign to SLOW THE F%$#@ DOWN! We were all so busy, so rushed, so wired – we never stopped. We never breathed. We never appreciated. Technology, social media, materialism, competitiveness took over. Nature suffered. We suffered.

I’ve learnt to be more fluid and less rigid. I’ve learnt how important it is to accept and let go. I’ve learnt how resilient we are as humans, no matter whats thrown our way. I’ve learnt and appreciated that there is a sliding scale where it’s OK to shift priorities and boundaries. I’ve learnt that the sun will rise again tomorrow, no matter how dark today may seem. I’ve learnt how important it is to give support and care as we’re all so fragile. I’ve learnt to ask for help and say things suck! I’ve learnt how important relationships and friendships are and that words and communication is vital for our wellbeing. I’ve learnt we all have our own personal circumstances and limitations and nobody should judged anyone else, or compare. I’ve learnt the importance of breathing, in and out. I’ve learnt to slow down, a lot! Life is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Pace yourself. Take time, how ever long that may be. We’ve only got one chance, y’all.

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To my baby,

As you embark on your life’s journey, remember you are great. You are a divine piece of a greater whole. You have a purpose. You have a voice. You have choices. You have emotions. You have metaphoric wings to soar and fly to your dreams and ambitions. Don’t let anyone stand in your way.

Don’t ever let anyone squash your voice or opinions. Don’t feel the need to be muted or scared to say what’s on your mind. Speak out gently but be assertive. Stand your ground and know what’s right and wrong. Don’t be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to stand up for what you feel is right. You need to hear your inner voice. Mute all the noise outside and listen, internalise and act. Be you. Let your essence shine.

There’s a plethora of manipulation, negative influences, peer pressure and competitiveness in the big world. But always remember who you are and your strength. Always have integrity and honesty. Be open and respectful. If you’re hurt or sad, say why. Do not bottle things up. Express yourself. Use your words. It’s your life, remember, nobody else’s.

None of us are the same, none of us have the same DNA or fingerprints. Same too with our personalities, likes and dislikes. We all have differences which make us unique. Learn who you are and what you stand for. Don’t be someone else or what others want you to be. You are you. This is your life. We only have one chance. Make it count.

It’s easy for others to sway you in one way or another. It’s easy when you’re unsure or sitting on the fence to be manipulated. Think about your options, what’s best for yourself. And if it makes sense, then great. Understand that you won’t disappoint yourself by sticking to your guns, you may disappoint someone else by not always complying with what they want. It’s your life. Your one chance.

You are special my baby bear. You count. You are worthy and worthwhile. You fit in where you need to be. You strive for what matters for you. You have choices and options, go forth and conquer.

Love you always the way you are….

Mama xxxx

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Caveat alert: Never ever in this lifetime did I imagine I’d have the balls to write such a post so openly with so much conviction, honesty and vigour…

So, it’s Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, such a taboo and stigma inducing topic for me, plus a subject which ain’t generally on people’s agendas to discuss. Let’s be honest, nobody likes airing their dirty laundry and opening up. But I’ve taken it upon myself to explore and understand what it really means to be a mother whilst trying to identify and maintain my own identity instead of being fully and utterly consumed in nappies, routines and bottles. 

Let’s start with the basics, the theme of mental health. Never would I have delved into this. Never ever! Not me, maybe it’s an issue for others. Guard up right there. My defences kick in and I deny any association with mental health. Weakness and failure always used to spring to mind…

Guilt that things should be easier, that I should be coping, that person X is flying and things are so straightforward. Am I a bad mum? Am I doing things wrong? Should I change my routines? Should I do what my NCT group’s kids are doing? Should I engage in the motherhood’s never ending competition about milestone achievements? Why is my child not sleeping through? Why is my child biting? Why did my child drop her nap so young? Why doesn’t my child sleep in a buggy? Why, why why? Can make you crazy, right? Can make you feel insignificant, right? Can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, right?

This constant questioning and comparing is not only exhausting but mentally draining. We all are individuals. We all have different backgrounds, cultures, beliefs, upbringings and ideas about what motherhood should look like. We all have our ideal ways and then there’s our realistic ways – often with a large discrepancy between. There’s no black and white, no one size fits all mould. 

Previously looking after oneself to me looked like taking care of yourself physically. If you’re not well, you go to the GP. If you have a toothache, you go to the dentist. I never ever contemplated looking after oneself emotionally and mentally. If things were hard and crap, then that’s the way it was. I never knew what it truly meant to look after myself holistically until I became a mum of two.

After living with a facade that things are easy and great for so long, peeling back the layers and exposing how I felt was daunting and overwhelming. I never wanted to be judged that I could not cope. Wearing this brave face mask covered up any sensitivities and vulnerabilities I felt. I never wanted to admit and acknowledge that I was loosing myself and who I truly was. Often, what was required was external validation to say I’m doing well and this catapulted me forwards until I needed my next fix of validation. Such an unhealthy way to live, which I’ve now accepted. With a ‘show no weakness’ mentality, my self expectations have always been (too) high, often requiring me to exert unnecessary pressure on myself, which at times has taken the pleasure and enjoyment out of things. There’s no point in maintaining other’s expectations of yourself if this is not who you truly are. Dumbass me.

Putting yourself first and foremost is not selfish or self-centred. Being number 5 on your personal priority list shouldn’t make sense. If you’re not well cared for, how can you care for others that need you most? I think what I’ve learnt most about mental health is that it’s imperative to look after yourself, to have a little ‘me time’, to ask for help, to be honest and open, to say things suck when they do.

The theme of this year’s Maternal Mental Health Awareness week is “supporting mums through difficult times” – so relevant and imperative during lockdown. It’s so easy to get consumed by household chores, looking after the kids 24/7, trying to ensure your partner can work as best as possible, so where do we as mums come in? Surely there’s no time for us? I’ve always felt an innate connection to other mums who just understand and empathise with each other how hard and sh%$t things can be. Often expressions speak louder than words. And there should be no shame.

The feeling of being a good enough mum was never enough. I wanted to be the perfect mum. It’s always been give 100%. All or nothing. What motherhood and lockdown has truly taught me is that life happens, things are out of control, we can only do so much and then the rest we need to let go of. We shouldn’t have to feel guilty or down trodden that our ducks aren’t always lined up. It’s OK to have some dirty dishes in the sink and get ready made meals. We don’t need to be Gordon Ramsey for every meal. Self compassion and kindness need a way to seep in, and we need to open little vents and spaces for this to happen.

We’ve all got a critical (loud) internal voice and much softer kind and gentle voice. The blaring noise from our critical self telling us that we not good enough, that we need to try harder, that we failing and so on, needs to be muted or even turned down, so we can truly listen to our gentler self telling us we doing great and are the best possible mums we can be. It’s so much easier to be harsh and self critical, easier to be a shark than a dolphin in most cases.

Mental health underlies our whole existence. It makes up who we are and how we present ourselves in this world. It’s time to take control and be proud of who you are and how much you’ve achieved. It’s a massive mind shift change and often requires some pushing and a big leap of faith, but I’ve learnt it’s most certainly worthwhile. We don’t need to hit rock bottom and breaking point to look after ourselves.

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If anything were to raise my anxiety, stress and blood pressure from 0 – 100 in an instant, it would be something / anything medical. Something out of my comfort zone, something where I’m not in control. As a caveat, all medical stuff from doctors to needles to medicine to hospitals ain’t my thing. Panic sets in, my hands go tingly and I go into flight mode. Fear alert.

So as you can imagine, Covid-19 hasn’t helped the situation at hand. It is the most surreal and unrealistic nightmare to be living through. The facts are daunting and the way the world has been jolted is just mind boggling. Seeing all these pop-up hospitals, horror stories and the continuous flood of information has overwhelmed most of society, including me. Yes of course there’s a lot of positives too. The comradery, compassion, unity and solidarity it’s brought out amongst so many is mind boggling too.

But this has taught me one strong lesson, to harden the F-up as a mama! Illness, sickness, viruses and procedures are all part and parcel of life. We can run, but we can’t always hide.

After having a very sick baba with a raging fever for days on end, followed by a spreading rash across her body, head and neck, followed by an ear infection, numerous virtual doctor appointments didn’t suffice. I had to grow some balls, man up and go to a doctor.

The experience felt totally out of a sci-fi movie, something I’d never ever expect to experience in my lifetime. I had to drive into a sterile tent when I got the go ahead. The doctor came out in full PPE, a visor, a mask, gloves, scrubs. I just cried. I felt like I was transported into an isolation unit where the sickest get treated. How can this be the new norm? I just had to see past my vulnerabilities and insecurities and look at the bigger picture. I think we so often get caught up in the little puzzle piece and its intensity, we forget about the rest of the picture. Micro vision is critical but so is macro.

I learnt a life lesson. As a mama you have to be strong and bite the bullet. You have to put yourself out there for the protection of your children. You have to role model behaviour you want them to emulate, no matter how hard it is for you. If you show panic and fear, they too will be scared growing up. I grew up scared of everything, of police, my shadow, disabled people, loud noises…. the list is endless. As a mama of 2, I try show no fear. I show I am strong and can face what’s thrown at me. I’ve learnt to harden the F%$# up!

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I can’t remember the last time I felt such a wave of pride and emotion wash over me like I did when our entire road, neighbourhood and greater communities stood outside and clapped and cheered, whistled, hooted and cheered for the NHS heroes! It was something so incredible to be a part of and the sense of unity, solidarity and togetherness blew me away. Especially we were safe in our little cocoons.

The NHS staff are real living heroes and champions putting their lives at risk for the wider population. There are so many brave stories where doctors and nurses have moved out of their family homes in order not to contaminate their own nearest and dearest, and are working non stop around the clock. It’s astounding. The commitment and compassion is priceless. The pure selflessness boggles me, I salute you all. Blessed we are!

It’s made me contemplate our roles and how at any instance all can change. From being a mum for example, your now a full time nursery school teacher, a chef, a laundromat, a counsellor, a fire fighter (figuratively) and so on. From being a office worker, you’re now bound by the walls of your house and having to manage kids, family, work and more. Our doctors and nurses who deal with certain medical preferences, are all becoming generalist caring specialists. Our linear roles which we all knew so well, in all areas, have been blown away and evolved almost instantly. We all have been pushed out of our comfort zones and are needing to dig deep for what our new role entails and how best to perform it effectively amongst this utter chaos and anxiety driven period were all encountering. Mind shift overload.

While the NHS are the real heroes, I do think credit needs to go to the mum heroes. Obviously in a different league. Us people who are now juggling more than ever before. I guess ensuring the entire household is fed, watered, clean and slept is a successful day. Our goal posts need to shift somewhat. Our self expectations of what perfection is need to be adjusted. Things are evolving and there’s many counterparts which need shuffling to a new normal. I’m trying to accept that through home schooling, kids activities via Zoom, online exercise, emotional insecurities, frustrations, allowing our partners to WFH as best as possible, we too are heroes in a sense. I know a lot of us mums just need a little boost of appreciation to keep us going, even if its a little clap within our four walls.

The frontline who are tackling the awful COVID-19 need a huge boost, and so do we I order to try carry on being the best mums we can possibly be. It’s all about acknowledgement and appreciations are the end of the day…

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The world as we know it is done. Things are fast a changing. Schools are closed. People are working from home. Routines have been tippled upside down and inside out. People are frazzled. Children are frustrated. Anxiety is soaring. Our reality has shifted and it’s time to come to grips.

Society has become so (probably too) accustomed to their reality. To how things run. To instant gratification and the here and now. For planning in the future. For having unlimited choice and possibilities. For taking way too much for her granted. For assuming things will always be how we want them to be. For living blindly in the world because our day to day patterns are so ingrained within. Then all of a sudden, a massive wave crashes across the whole world and boom, our safe, secure and familiar reality has been washed away and now it’s time to start afresh. Damn hard.

In these unprecedented times where’s there’s only uncertainty, we need to look within for what is certain and appreciate that. It’s hard. It’s unsettling. It’s painful. But it’s back to basics people. Appreciate the sun will rise and set. Appreciate the sounds you hear and the smells you smell. Explaining this to small kids ain’t easy. They don’t get it, let alone do we as adults? Hold on tight to what we’re familiar with. And use that as a grounding tool and some sort of security. Whether that be menial things like cooking the same meal, watching the same programme, singing the same songs or reading the same bedtime stories. Hold on to what we have, for now.

I’m trying to come to grips that things are out of place. It does not matter my toddler wants to wear mismatched socks and is ruining my laundry OCD. It doesn’t matter if she wants lunch on 3 different plates instead of one. It doesn’t matter if there are toys sprawled everywhere and cleaning takes place when they asleep. It doesn’t matter that school routine is gone. It’s about looking within, remaining calm and breathing. It’s all we can do for now.

Our reality has been mismatched. What we know has changed. But now is the time to accept and start afresh. We’re moving to a more minimalistic and simple way of life. And it’s beautiful. Less about the externalities and more about the internal. Less about the ostentatious and more about the authentic. It’s a perspective change. A hard one which will take adapting and adjusting to. We just need to find that inner calm voice, and listen to it. The chaos and noise in the world is loud and deafening. Social media and the news are blearing into our ears, try mute it. Just hear the voice that’s calling for a calmer, simpler way of being. (Yes I am preaching, but I’m trying too).

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Sounds like an oxymoron, right? How can we all feel such a sense of togetherness, of wanting to be of support in any possible way whilst being in isolation and furthermore, self-isolation? It’s quite astounding yet warming…

The entire world is currently going through probably the most frightening, totally blinded period in our personal history where we’re in utter turmoil and living minute by minute with the crazy global spread of this nano virus, which has spread the entire globe like wildfire. Hundreds and thousands, if not millions, are isolating within the boundaries of their homes, they are staying in, with limited social interaction. Social distancing is becoming the norm if we have to go into the scary world. Social places where we all love to chat, interact, laugh and hang out are shut. Schools which stimulate and educate our kids are shut. The world is shutting its doors right in front of our faces. See you later.. It’s scary. It’s isolating. It’s frightening. Its numbing. It’s unknown and totally unfamiliar. What do we do next? When will we see our friends next? When can we see our family abroad? When can our kids start playing together? When will I go back to work? When when when…. so many unknowns.

However at the same time, the sense of community, togetherness and unity has spread the world like wildfire too. We’re all trying to help each other in whatever way possible. In my personal capacity, I’ve see how all our neighbours are pulling together to help the vulnerable on our road. I’ve been involved in a drive to purchase hand lotions, coffee sachets and love hearts for the incredible NHS staff. I’ve become part of community initiatives to help call the elderly and those in isolation on a weekly basis. We can all do our part. Reach out to someone on FaceTime. Email a relative across the world and drop in. Think about others. If possible, donate to charities and worthy causes.

Social media has a bad rep for obvious reasons. It can destroy and ruin lives. Look at Caroline Flack. Look how negative press and publicity can crush one. Look at social pressures and online bullying. Look at how people appear on social media meanwhile are suffering internally and are someone completely different behind the screen. Soul destroying.

Yet the power of social media seems to have massively flipped in these unprecedented times. Online communities and villages are appearing left, right and centre. People are creating online chats and forums to help tackle and manage everyone’s fears and anxieties. You don’t have to look far. Just look on your Insta and Facebook feeds. Right in front of your eyes. People are reaching out all the time. It’s astounding and encouraging and we can all do it in our own small way. I’m so touched how all the children classes and entertainers are streaming free ZOOM classes so children can watch and participate at home. To try maintain some sort of normality. Personal trainers are doing online works outs. Yogis are offering online meditations and breathing sessions. The list goes on. The warmth of humanity is shining bright. Accept it. Welcome it. Share it.

I often wonder why humanity is the way it is. People boggle me. Why does it take such catastrophic measures to unite us all? Look at motherhood. Early motherhood. I’ve met too many mums who feel lonely, isolated and detached from the outside world. Who haven’t felt such a sense of connection from the outside in. Where the (false, contrived) image of the perfect mum fills their newsfeeds. Where if you don’t do XYZ, you’re failing as a mum. Why isn’t there that sense of encouragement, support and unity when things were normal?

It’s all like a swing, things up and down. These times can bring out the best in humanity or the worst. There are those stockpiling and shoving and pushing to get extra loo rolls and pasta, or there those who are buying an extra packet to donate to the food bank for those less fortunate. We choose how we are. We’re in control of our actions and attitudes. Yes we’re all scared. We’re all predicting and hoping. Yet nobody knows. Not even the scientists, doctors or virologists.

It’s a very trying time for us all. Some people will be out of work struggling financially. A lot of us struggling emotionally with what’s at hand. Some of us will be juggling with kids at home. Some will be loosing their marbles and others trying to do as much work amongst the chaos. Yet all of us have the opportunity to choose. To choose to unify and help (remotely) or to criticise and complain. It’s up to us.

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We’re living in such a bizarre, mad period of total uncertainty and insecurity. It feels really worrying that nobody can predict what will be, no scientists, doctors, statisticians or virologists. This feeling of unknown is petrifying as there’s nothing to grasp onto, for some sort of grounded reality check that things will be ok. Just feels so surreal.

I think I, like millions others, have been yo-yoing between utter calm and collected and panic and anxiety. Some moments I know things will be ok and we all just need to stick together metaphorically (quite the opposite literally), be kind and ride this crashing wave. All the ups and downs.

Then almost seconds later the tension engulfs me (and us all) and I start thinking this may be the end of the world, what if I don’t see my family in South Africa again, what if X or Y or Z – my mind races and spirals like a domino game crashing down. But then I remind myself this is normal. We’re living through a pandemic. A global one. Something which is shutting down the world. It’s not just a cough and a fever. It’s the rate and pace that this nano virus is growing and growing.

Anxiety in such uncertain times is so normal. I think. We have zero control over anything and that feeling of not being in the known even 0.1% is so petrifying. We all need to slow down our minds and stop jumping to unknown conclusions. We need to stop watching the news 24/7 and monitoring social media like hawks. This just compounds and fuels our anxiety and can make us into frustrated, unsure time bombs waiting to explode.

What will be will be. We all need to do our part. We need to be wise and adhere to what government is advising. We need to use common sense. But I understand how common sense can fly out the window at such unprecedented times. Panic and fear love to overwhelm. It’s like the negative inclination. Where we leave room for this force to come in, it will. We need to try full our minds with things which calm us: music, walks, speaking to friends (even on FaceTime), movies, painting…

Society and our communities have for sure expedited our feelings, both ways. This horrendous stockpiling episode is a sign that people aren’t coping and that everyone is out for themselves. I need I need I need. What if I don’t have X? How will I cope without Y? We need to mid shift to see how we can accommodate others around us. How can we be kind, respectful and accepting? If I have 12 bags of pasta and 400 loo rolls, how will my neighbour cope? Sharing is caring as I teach my toddler. We live in a wider community.

Nobody should judge or question the way others are feeling or acting. If your friend decides to keep their kids from school for their reasons, it’s not for us to comment. We don’t know what people are experiencing and how people are coping. We don’t know people’s personal lives and family histories. We don’t know whose suffering with disease and illnesses and who are immunocompromised or generally suffering emotionally with it all. Who are we to judge?

As things aren’t black and white, this may lead to uncertainty and a feeling of sacredness not knowing. If we knew were in this unwanted patch for 6 months and ABC will perspire, we’d be a lot more calm. It’s just the nature of things evolving and changing minute by minute which overwhelms. We need to come to grips with living day by day. We need to accept the grey and be fluid and adaptable. Trust me I know this ain’t easy. We are all struggling someway or another, despite majority of us keeping our guard up and wearing our brave masks.

Covid-19 you’re a crazy thing. You’re spreading like wildfire and destroying economies, lives and our wellbeing. But I do believe it’s here to teach us a lesson. That lesson I don’t quite understand. And wish I did. So do we all.

But it’s a time not to be greedy. A time to ask for help if we need. A time to examine ourselves and how we fit into a greater community. We can only see some of the jigsaw. Although we like to believe we know it all. Deep breaths and day by day, as they say!

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If you were to take some time to truly think what prioritising yourself may look like – physically and emotionally – what would it look like? Hard question? Unfathomable? When? How? My struggle.

Does taking time out and focusing on what you need mean you’re selfish, conceited and egotistical / where things are all about “me”? Or is it the opposite?

If I don’t look out for myself and take care internally, then how can I possibly be the best mum / wife / friend to others? Another factor to take into account, is when can this self prioritisation and self care actually take place when life is manic and non-stop? That’s the hard part I guess.

Becoming a mum of one or multiple children has the swift ability to change your identity where you automatically move down the pecking order. Fact. The needs and care of these (adorable) mini humans shoots right to the top of the list and with good reason. So where do we fit in?

Is the line between self care and selfish really all that blurry? Selfish may look like the world revolves around you, what you want, when you want and how you want. Prioritising yourself and taking care of yourself means the world includes yourself. Big difference! It’s all about giving (and more importantly accepting) yourself the love, attention, space, compassion and energy you deserve in order to be yourself.

Often mums feel like they should be coping and all without burnout. But often when running on empty, without fuel so to speak. Be it sleep deprivation, no down time or juggling more things than a circus juggler. Where’s the time for yourself? How could I possibly make time for me?

I bet if you had to look outwards at someone else who you admired, who had 3-4 hours broken sleep a night, who was 100% dependable on by the needs of the minis, who had to run a house, do 2+ loads of laundry a day, school lifts, homework, cooking, cleaning, packing school bags, making dinners, vacuuming, maybe having time for a pee alone…. where could I possibly fit myself in? Very different than when looking inwards? Self criticism and being harsh to ourselves is so much easier than being kind and allowing us to acknowledge we need to up our game for ourselves.

For some self-prioritisation can be done amongst the chaos at home, but others need to remove themselves in order to recalibrate and care. Some are able to take a long bath, switch their minds off from the busyness of life, forget about the laundry pile and numerous bottles to be sterilised. Others need to go to a coffee shop with a book and a drink, listen to their favourite music and breathe. Others may need to listen to a meditation app once in bed before the baby wakes up and for some it may be an exercise class, where they are literally in a different zone physically and mentally. Different phases in our lives requires different methods. There’s no right or wrong way to look after ourselves.

I’ve always had an internal debate about whether time and resources are a prerequisite for this self-prioritisation? Sounds silly, I know. For a long time I did think so (and still often think so). I don’t have anyone to help me to watch the babes, so I can’t look after myself. I don’t ever have an hour to myself, so I can’t take care of my needs. Catapult back in history or to deepest darkest Africa, or those small remote villages, we have it pretty darn good. We have help, we have friends and families who are willing to lend a hand. Is the lack of self prioritisation an excuse? Is it easier not to look after ourselves? I’m not sure of the answer.

But what I do know, is that it can spiral quickly when we don’t take care of ourselves. We feel insignificant, not worthy and often not as important as those we love. This can lead to a whole lot of negativity bias and feelings which can be so easily be fixed, with a little self love and prioritisation… Not at a click of a finger, but with some (well deserved) work.

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It’s amazing the dichotomy of parenting, how when one thing happens, you often hope for the complete opposite…

As I’m lying under a blanket on my toddler’s floor waiting for her to fall asleep, I often just wish she would self settle, not be afraid and just put herself to sleep without us in her bedroom. But my mind fast forwards to a couple of year’s time, where she won’t want us to put her to bed, where she will be too “independent” and we will be too “embarrassing” or whatever the next reason will be, and I’m grounded and brought back to earth, remembering this is not all that bad and it’s not forever. This too shall pass.

As soon as babies are born, parents are wishing they would sleep through and eat every 4 hours, as soon as they sit, they are wishing they were crawling, then walking, the running, then talking, singing, drawing and reciting their ABC. Then in an instant, parents are wishing their kids would walk slower and want to hold their hand, they are wishing their kids wanted them to take them into class instead of running in with their friends, pretending they don’t even know you – you get the picture.

The duality of parenting is quite astounding. As parents, we assertively proclaim how and when we want our babies, toddlers and kids to evolve and develop, yet there’s always a double level of proclamation, today and in the future. Take a deep breath, savour each day as time often slips between your fingers.

Parenting has a wonderful way of playing games with your mind. Your mindset and well-being is key to how you react and manifest what’s happening. If you’re exhausted, sleep deprived, neglected and running on empty, what could look like a cup full, may often present itself as half empty.

Feeling two conflicting emotions towards your kids at the same time can often cause a lot of internal tension. How can I encourage total independence , yet want to hold their hands every step of the way? I want x and y, but I feel a and b. A parent’s own vision combined with the pressures of society and social media may be recipe for unnecessary and unneeded inaccurate projections of how your child should be. Don’t wish the precious milestones and days away.

You want your child to be independent and play without you having to be sat right next to them 24/7. You want your toddler to feed themselves so you can get on with the dishes. You want them to have that long two hour nap so you can have some time out. The list is endless.

But I always try remind myself this precious time is short and will never return. It’s just a fleeting moment in the sea of life, often feeling turbulent and the waves crash right over us. But if we stand strong, go with the motion and allow the ebbs and flow to guide us, parenting can seem a lot more enriching and not always so overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all consuming, all encompassing and full on, but it’s so great, enriching and warming; a true dichotomy in the purest sense!

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Things were chaotic. I was trying to pay at the supermarket, I had my baby in the pram and my 2.5 year old had just tipped all the raspberries over the floor and was screaming. I sighed a massive sigh to try recalibrate quickly. The cashier looked over with absolute compassion and understanding and murmured “my love, I know it’s hard now, but don’t loose yourself”… those words have repeated in my head and continue to pound deep in my heart.

Motherhood is the biggest blessing: it’s beautiful, all encompassing, an emotional rollercoaster and of course, challenging! The expected waves of emotions come and go similar to that of the sea’s tide, in ebbs and flows. They pull both at my heart strings and often, in a different direction, at my heads strings. My head tells me one thing (usually more rational and practical) and my heart speaks to my emotions. The feelings often feel so overwhelming that they engulf me holistically, both positively and negatively.

Guilt, denial, obsession, love and exhaustion always lay on the top. Most of the time, let’s be blunt, mums are secondary to the needs of everyone else. A deeper sense of being ‘me’ is often missing. But how did it get taken away? Was it a gradual spiral that was so slow I never noticed loosing myself, or was the carpet of me pulled from beneath my feet so swiftly that my whole identity shifted? I am not sure…

Being a mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t exchange it for a million dollars, however there are times where I feel like I’ve lost ‘myself’ to a degree and concurrently, my expectations of myself are way too high! More elements have been thrown into my equation, yet my self-expectations have not been adjusted accordingly, which often leaves a feeling that I’ve not succeeded and I’ve let myself and everyone else down. Am I a mum, before I am myself? Or do I need to be myself before I can give and be a mum? This question is on repeat, and often sounds like a broken record.

But the yearn inside is looking to regain who I am as an individual first. Who am I before I was a wife and mummy? Am I a good mum? Am I a good wife? Why don’t I have all my ducks lined in a row? How come some days I get so much done, and others it’s so hard? Why do I loose patience and my temper more often than before? How come others cope? Am I a failure mum? Should I parent differently? Why don’t I look after myself first? So many questions keep popping up.

Some days are mushed into blobs of undefined moments where I can’t identify who I am. Nappies, naps, food, bottles, tantrums, no sleep bury me. But deep down, there is a tiny light shining trying to expose my real me.

There are so so many reasons why we loose ourselves as mothers. Possibly finishing up working and taking maternity leave changes who we are, as we may define ourselves according to our jobs – I am a Dr / lawyer / Accountant. Some of us loose ourselves when we loose our freedom to do what we want, when we want. For others, it’s lost when a whole lot more gets added to our plates. Another biggie is when we compare what was to what is. Stop looking backwards.

Some days seem impossible to even fathom who the real me is. But that’s ok too. Don’t pressurise yourself day in and day out to find yourself. Accept some days you will be carried by a different identity to that which you’re yearning for. Try make time to stop and think. Try reintroducing what makes you tick even if it’s weekly or monthly. Try do something for yourself which you really love. It can be as small as cooking your favourite meal, or a yoga class.

Sounds insignificant, but take care of yourself. If you used to love fashion, get dressed up, even if it’s for a baby class. If you love being groomed, get a manicure or have your hair done. If you a foodie, buy a recipe book and try a new meals once a week. Don’t neglect the things that you love. Even if it’s just for yourself, make that effort. One step at a time. Build yourself back up, even if it’s one tiny step forward. If you don’t look after you, who will?

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One day I’ll be me again….but for now, I am happy with who I need to be and where I am…

One day I’ll be able to have a full night sleep, uninterrupted by little cries where an 8 hour sleep won’t feel like a luxury and will be the norm, and the bags under my eyes will fade away…

One day I’ll be able to drink 3 cups of hot coffee a day and go to the toilet in peace, without the sound of gorgeous pattering feet or little squeaks from the outside room…

One day I’ll be able to fit into my pre-mamma clothes that are hanging in the wardrobe from my past, where my C section flap won’t overhang and I’ll (hopefully) be content…

One day I’ll have enough time to cook nutritious meals and make packed school / work lunches without it being a burden or an unfathomable task…

One day I’ll be able to go to the grocery store without rushing through the aisles worrying about the next nap time or when I need to prepare the bottle, and be able to take in what’s on the shelves and around me, breathing calmly not in a huff…

One day I’ll be able to go to the gym, have my nails done, enjoy my hair cut and not have my heart palpitating with what’s next to do on my forever growing to do list…

One day I’ll wear clean clothes without a food stain or some sick up over the shoulder and it won’t feel like a treat…

One day I’ll have clean, straight hair with the latest colour trends instead of living on dry shampoo or showering in 35 split seconds and carrying on with my day with sopping wet hair…

One day I’ll read blogs and articles that make my soul tick, instead of laborious things on reflux, weaning and sleep training…

But until that ‘illusive’ one day, I am learning to be happy with the new me… yes learning. The me who is now a mother, wife, cleaner, therapist, nappy changer, chef, laundromat, slave to two little girls under the age of 2.5.

I am needed by 2 beautiful angels 24-7. I am their everything and go to person. I am their confidant and guiding light. I am their hero and role model. I am the lid to their pot, the spaghetti to their Bolognese and their salt to their pepper, so to speak.

So for now, this is me! And I wouldn’t change the new me for anything in the world (maybe some more sleep). And as parenthood evolves and develops, the little fragments of myself which were given away with love and devotion to my little dependant beings will slowly return back to me, to complete who I was, am and will always be.

I know in theory, the time will come when I will yearn for my girls to once again need me the way they do now, when I wish I could lie in bed with them, read stories and tickle their arms to sleep, when they will fall asleep mid cuddle in the awkward positions which perfectly describes motherhood.

One day will happen. I’m not denying that some days I wish that the one day would draw near, some days I wish I had my own time, time to focus on me and time to put me first. But then again, I try not wish time away and know this is normal.

Motherhood is a journey, but it shouldn’t be viewed as a period where we’re counting the days away and the period to pass through our fingers. It shouldn’t be seen as a daunting task. It is a live lovable experience. Accept the new you, respect time and know today is where you are the meant to be, as you!

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Motherhood has a funny way of presenting itself. It’s like an oxymoron in its truest sense. It’s hard, but it’s so natural and easy. It’s rewarding yet ever so challenging! It’s so joyful and warms your spirit, yet it’s often so frustrating, crushes you and is jaw clenching. You get the picture.

One comparison which keeps popping to mind is that the days are so, so long, yet the years are so, so short.

Some days, especially on maternity leave, feel like forever. You’re woken up numerous times in the night, you work on a repetitive cycle, feeding, burping, changing nappies, nap time, play time, bath, bed and REPEAT. Some days just drag and all the days just merge into one mush of time. It’s hard to keep tab whether it’s Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, let alone know the date.

It may appear to the outside world that you’re not doing all that much, and mat leave is chilled, a nice break to relax with your baby, have coffees, attend baby classes and play dates, all which is true. Yet it can be gruelling. It’s lonely, at times mind numbing and long. The lack of constant adult stimulation can most definitely be felt.

However what I’ve come to appreciate, especially now that my first born is 2.5, is that the time flies. Day in and out may drag its feet, yet the cluster of time just flies. How can she already be sitting, eating, crawling, walking, running! Slow down, I wish time would just halt for now.

This constant dichotomy and pull happens in so many facets of parenting, it’s quite powerful. All day, every day. You don’t want to wish time and the years away, as they are fleeting and never to return, yet you want the long days to pass. Like with everything, it’s often one step forward, two steps back. It’s ok to yearn for normality, yet it’s also good to accept your new normality.

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Ignoring or letting go, that is the question…

We all have our baggage in life. We are all dealt some winning cards and some not so promising cards. Let’s face it, that’s life, challenging, rewarding, manageable, overwhelming…

Let’s talk motherhood – there are umpteen episodes which can impact us. Let’s start at the beginning: the big convo of whether you want children or not, the whole trying to fall pregnant saga (and all the intricacies), miscarriages, IVF, the ups and downs of pregnancy, labour horrors, feeling let down when birth-plans do not go according to plan, post birth trauma, post natal anxiety, when 2 becomes 3, loosing your identity when becoming a mum, the transition from 1 child to 2, tantrums, the list goes on and on….

It’s how we deal with our issues which will shape how we move forward. On the one hand, there is Repression. Denying. Ignoring. Pretending it’s not there or never was. It may be conscious or unconscious. Running away. Not dealing with it.

Alternatively, there’s the art of letting go, when ready to do so: being aware, accepting, riding the wave and moving forwards. It’s about being in control of your reaction and your mind. It’s about holding on to what’s beneficial to be learnt and letting go of the fluff.

What kind of person are you? It’s quite amazing how many times this scale of how to deal with life’s twists and curves crops up during motherhood. Do you brush issues under the carpet and pretend they never happened or do you dive in, accept and move on? I know what I do….

Are you in denial? Do you judge what’s happening or happened as bad which leads to a flood of negative emotions and thinking about it? You go into defence mode, as this “can’t happen to me”, never me. You flee as the stirred emotions are too hard to deal with. Are you constantly running away from what’s being presented to you? Stop and have a think….

Or, do you stop, assess and accept – a chalk and cheese approach to the above. Do you allow the emotions enter, and let them take their turn? Ride it out and once internalised, settled and dealt with, then let it go. This is a much healthier way to approach life’s woes, yet much harder and resilient.

Rather than standing firm against the current of life, struggling to stand strong with every wave crashing over you and beating you down, why not go with the flow, ride the waves and follow the current of life, it will be easier to ground yourself and keep your feet on the ground? This repression of thinking may become a huge burden down the line, weighing you down. Letting go (after working through the process) allows for a much more peaceful way of living. Why? It’s easier not to deal with things. It’s easier not to delve deep into that raw part of you that’s so painful, yet has the potential to heal. 

Disney’s popular song, Let It Go, always struck a chord in me, as well a millions others. Not only is it catchy, the deeper meaning is so prevalent to life, if you allow yourself the space to see. Here’s what I mean:

“Let it go, let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore” – the very idea of letting things go, don’t bottle up, ignore and hold it in that locked, never to be opened chamber in your mind. Often, when things are buried so deep and are never to be touched, there’s a looming shadow or essence which still remains within. It’s never CTRL ALT DEL: it’s just moved to the Recycling Bin so to speak.

“It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free” – the only way to break free is to face whatever it is right in the eyes. There’s no black or white, right or wrong way of dealing with live’s happenings, they are fluid and ever-changing, depending on time, how we attend to them and the nature of the matter. Acceptance, kindness and compassion can often allow us to let go. As cliche as it may be, be authentic to yourself (yes I am preaching). You only have one shot at life. Be true, even if it’s raw and sore. Empower yourself and don’t let fear and anguish determine who you are.

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I always to use to think I was in control and could somewhat control all my circumstances until I became a mum and my perspective shifted almost instantly. Being in control meant I could determine what happened, when and how, and that things would go according to my well-thought out strategies and plans. Sigh. As they say… “man plans, God laughs”….

When contemplating parenthood, this sort of “control” helped ease my thinking as I’ve always been petrified of labour, birth, babies, needles, medical procedures, epidurals and definitely surgery.

Living in my little bubble, I fell pregnant the first time very quickly. Great, I’ve got this! My pregnancy was pretty straight forward and easy. I met lovely people in my NCT class, we moved houses and made a beautiful baby nursery. All her adorable pink clothes were washed and perfectly folded. Things were on well track and under control.

I had a birth plan (which in my mind I get semi flexible), but everything else was so straight forward, so too would be the rest until things crumbled and my labour became somewhat disastrous and traumatic.

After my waters breaking on a Wednesday and my baby being born on a Saturday, a lot of unforeseen things happened in between which were 100% out of my control. I was induced 4x. I had 2 failed epidurals and finally the third worked, once fulled dilated (totally exhausted and scared as hell) my baby never turn correctly in the birth canal so she was shoved back in (literally) and I was rushed to theatre, over a shift change, where a forceps delivery failed, my baby is scarred on her forehead, and straight into an emergency C section. All out of my planned control, wouldn’t you say.

Baby two was not as simple. I instantly felt the control card was not in my deck. I was more vulnerable and exposed, yet at the same time felt more at ease. A hard pregnancy, being nauseas and sick, running after an active toddler was taking its toll. I got gestational diabetes which broke me to the nth degree. I had to prick and test my sugar 5x a day. My biggest fear was staring me in the face. Needles and blood. And yes, this broke me many a times. My birth became high risk, I had to see two consultants a week. Things were not going to plan. Again out of my control. And I didn’t like this feeling. It made me uneasy. Fast forward, to a planned C section, where as much could be controlled as possible, this was still petrifying. My strong husband who has done paramedic work and isn’t phased by blood and gore, fainted in theatre during the spinal block. I had some complications where they cut two arteries and my heart rate kept dropping. I could go on, but you get the point.

So, what I’ve learnt is we as mums, as humans, need to respect the process and believe things will turn out how they are meant to. We do not control the world. We do not control when there will be a tsunami or a volcano erupting so what makes us think we can control what will happen to us? It all comes from a greater power. What we can control, with a lot of practice, is how we react to things out of our control. Yes I’m preaching somewhat.

I learnt patience. I learnt how to ask for help and more importantly accepting help without thinking I was failing. I learnt to breathe and just be in the moment, no matter how hard it is, not try plan next step set in stone. I learnt flexibility and not to be so rigid.I learnt to respect time and what was going on. Obviously within reason we need to be proactive and do our bit to manage our circumstances as best as we can.

I learnt that if I was limited by my fears of not being able to control what happens in my life, I was doing myself a huge injustice. We need to appreciate that we may not know what will happen next and this is ok. This is controlling how you will react. Paradigm shift.

What I think is crucial, and I’m still learning, is to know when to surrender and put your hands up and let the greater forces that be take control be, and when to step in and put in the necessary proactive energy. Often the path we so desperately want to go on, isn’t the right or most valuable path for us and we need to trust that that’s ok.

Control is often rooted in fear. We want to control our lives or scenarios as we are scared what will happen if x doesn’t happen. Being present also helps with letting go of control. By trying to control, we’re potentially setting ourselves up for failure, in case the outcome differs to what we expect. Trust, believe and respect yourself that the best outcome will emerge once we stop gripping tight onto this illusive control.

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Remember what is really meant to be carefree and adventurous? Instantaneous and living on the fly? The concept of right here, right now always springs to mind! I’ll do what I want, when I want! Oh the days of just deciding to go to the pub with some friends, or booking a spontaneous weekend away? How about last minute theatre tickets after work or late night shopping?

Fast forward time, to being a mummy, at home day and night, while a gorgeous little baby depends solely on you 24/7. Gives right here, right now a new meaning, right?

I very clearly recall someone telling me when I was pregnant, enjoy these last few months as soon you’ll mourn the past, when it’s all about you and your desires when you want. Mourn! I was totally shell shocked at the choice of words. Mourning equates to death for me. The end. Things will never be the same. And now, post two children, I understand this more clearly. It is the end of what was, however in the positive sense of the word.

Yes, life will be never be the same. Life has a new meaning and direction. Is it a loss that you don’t have what was? Sure some days you yearn for a little piece of that selfishness. Sure there are times where you wish you could just get up and go. But I do believe it’s a mindset shift to accepting the new, to adjusting to being slower and turning a different corner.

Mourning is often laced with sadness, grievance and immense suffering. Equating a new chapter of life with such negative associations breaks my heart. Missing may be a better replacement word. I miss my old life today.

There’s no denying we’ve all been there, although many are not willing to openly admit it. Why? Because it could look like you’re not grateful, you’re selfish, you’re a bad mum, you want your needs first, you’re always complaining, you’re not counting your blessing… the list is endless and at the same time, harmful.

Some days, us as mums, feel trapped, we want to feel independent instead of depended on 24/7, we want to do what we want, it’s overwhelming, it’s all encompassing and all consuming. And yes – it’s ok to feel this! We are just human. We want to sit in a coffee shop and read a magazine. We want to lie in on the weekend and not be woken 4x the night before. We want to go grocery shopping and enjoy deciding what we want for dinner and then cook without running the bath, shushing a tantrum or shaking a bottle. We want to go have our nails done and not rush back panicking about the next nap, I could go on forever!

It’s healthy to miss alone time, to reminisce and grow from our past experiences pre-motherhood. The feeling of not worrying about everything is liberating. It’s hard to have divided attention and your focus always being on gurgling, poos and naps. It’s hard loosing oneself and ones interests. It’s hard when all the days merge into one and you loose track of time. It’s easy to forget our identity as a person and to find struggle with that.

For sure we have our own needs and emotions. But that’s the dichotomy of parenting, it’s rewarding and challenging, it’s easy and hard and at the end of the day, it’s life changing. Missing what was is normal, it’s not wanting permanent in attachment. It’s a fleeting moment (although it may feel forever) where we need to ride the wave and go with the feeling.

Motherhood is demanding and often overwhelming. If you asked all mums do they miss life without kids, the general consensus would be a big loud yes. What does that say? Why’s there a taboo or stigma attached to being real and honest about our feelings? Why can’t the reality of motherhood be celebrated openly and nurtured when hard? It may feel like putting your foot on the pedal but you’ve run out of gas!

Guilt may often arise when the thought of leaving the house alone is a luxury. Opting to run to the shops, or doing the nursery run or popping into the bank. Even drinking a hot coffee or feeling desperate for a morning off.

Am I a bad mum if I want to go out alone? Breathing space and a little (adorable) being out of your personal bubble momentarily may often fuel a lot more positivity than credit is often given. Mums shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for yearning for what was, in a new way. It should be a right of passage where no permission needs to be granted. Just remind yourself, you’re a great mum. You’re the best mum. You’re not a failure for asking for time out. And yes, it’s ok to miss, mourn, long for what was!

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Motherhood is a constant balance and juggle. We’re constantly navigating extremes and trying to find that happy medium. It’s about rigid planning and being spontaneous. It’s about protecting and keeping constant yet having the ability to let go. Mothers are always shifting yet trying to remain stable and sturdy. Babies, so small and innocent, have the amazing ability to teach so much, lessons which can’t be taught in a classroom. And these lessons are often at the most trying of times, when we’re sleep deprived, low on energy and caught up in the sh*%#t moment. Here’s what I’ve gained from becoming a mum:

1. Perseverance
   This is clear and real. A baby tests and pushes us all. It etches at us to carry on despite being hard and at times painful. It teaches us the true sense of persistence: to keep going and not giving up. When things seem hard, it’s amazing how much more gets piled up on your plate and your miraculously cope. It’s about perspective, looking at the bigger picture even when the small pieces overwhelm.
   
2. Giving without receiving
   Motherhood is the most selfless relationship out there. It’s truly about giving without receiving anything in return per se. An absolute dependent one way giving, where mother gives all to the baby. It’s not about if I give x, I’ll receive y. Some see motherhood as a sacrifice of self. We shift from a public figure where we’re intertwined with so many people in a give and take manner. Fast forward to becoming a mum, we just give and give and give unconditionally. We want our babies to be nourished, loved, clean and secure. We not feeding them in return for something. It’s truly empowering and a privilege to be able to be the prime provider for a little human who is yet to blossom and develop, because of you.
   
3. Change is the only constant
   Motherhood is unpredictable. It changes minute by minute. No days are the same and once you’ve cracked it, it’s sure to change again. Change in all aspects remains the constant. Us as mums need to be fluid, and able to bend and bold with what’s thrown our way. A phrase which used to boil my blood rings so true now: this too shall pass. Nothing is set in stone as a mum. Nothing is forever. Things are changing and moving, up and down. Allow yourself to go with the motion of parenthood, it will help you deal with situations in a much more adaptable and pleasant manner.
   
4. Shifted priorities
   Remember those days when you did what you wanted, when you wanted. Remember making yourself your first priority sometimes at the expense of others. Leapfrog to being a mum, and often your priorities become your kids and what’s best for them. You can’t just go to the pub after work for a drink. You can’t spontaneously just go to a show after work or book a last minute trip without some planning and preparation. It goes without say, and I struggle with this, we need to be our first priorities before that of our kids, because if we can’t give to ourselves, how do we give whole heartedly to others? It’s a fine line and a hard balance to get right as we can’t neglect either. Mums are exceptionally good at multitasking and finding a suitable way to include and prioritise. Circumstance by circumstance things shift and who the hero of the show is does too.
   
5. Be truthful to yourself
   If a baby is angry, you sure will know about it. If they’re hungry, you can’t escape that wail. I’d they’re happy, that infectious giggle will melt your heart. Babies don’t hold back when expressing exactly how they feel so why should we as adults? By being open and communicating when life throws you a a metaphoric dirty nappy, can be liberating. Obviously if you’re angry and upset, we cannot go chucking a dummy or lie on the floor having a tantrum, but we can express eloquently how we feel which will in turn heal and propel us forward.

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It’s often just assumed that kids learn everything from their parents; but the opposite rings true too. As much as we teach and guide them, whether it be actively showing them or them observing and mimicking us, they do the very same for us, it’s quite magical and unexpected.

The pure innocence and pride a toddler brings to your life is life changing. Even though we get irritated, loose our temper and are sleep deprived to the nth degree, the little nuggets of wisdom and utter joy far outweigh the former. Below are 5 lessons we can learn, if we stop and open our eyes:

1. Appreciate the small things
   It’s astonishing how the simple things in life we either miss and or take for granted. We are so caught up in the busyness of the moment, we stop to look around and take in what’s around us. For the little ones, the mundane is magical. Watch them listening to the train in the distance asking where it’s going. Admire how they say hello to the moon because the sun has gone to sleep. Watch them build towers from cereal boxes and really use their imaginations. Check them smelling the blossoms on the trees / the list is endless. Life from their perspective is new, exciting and fresh. There’s so much to see and do, and each day is a real adventure.
2. Unconditional love
   The term unconditional is thrown around so much, but the love from a toddler is exactly that. They look up to you and admire you because you are their everything, their rock, their superhero. They will love you if you’re upset, if you haven’t had a chance to wash your hair or if you wearing mismatched clothes. Don’t worry if you don’t have energy to make dinner and nicely present baked beans on toast in the shape of a face. They don’t judge or have any prejudice if you’re exhausted, happy, cross or emotional. This is loyalty and commitment in its truest form.
3. Ignite your imagination
   The power of this mini human is surreal. The transport you into a new realm, where you can be an awesome superhero, a beautiful princess, a caring doctor or even a funny animal (insert elephant sound). There’s no boundaries and no limits. Your imagination can run wild, without having to worry about the menial and mundane tasks which are always so present. They bring out the child in you, the free and courageous side which is deeply buried in all of us.
4. No beating around the bush
   Toddlers keep it real. They say it as it is, without a filter or playing it down. It is where real honesty and truth stare you in the face. Whether you got a smelly breath or hairy legs, it’s out there in the atmosphere. Often adults are afraid to express exactly how they feel in order to protect emotions and butter up a situation. Both are needed, but the uniqueness of being comfortable and open can help you express so much more and with deeper meaning, if you allow yourself.
5. Be free and light
   There’s nothing better than acting like a child (with your kids). But this essence can be catapulted into every arena of your life. There’s no need to always be so serious and heavy. Obviously as an adult there’s responsibility and baggage. But take some time to be carefree and just enjoy the moment. Try being present in the here and now. Laugh at the small things, whether it’s a little burp or a poo. Drop your guard – it can be refreshing and uplifting.

Take the time and tune into the beauty of what your toddler can offer you.

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When meeting a new person, or bumping into a friend from the past, the first question which always pops to mind is “what do you do?” – It’s amazing how societal pressures, social media and our own, often, unrealistic self expectations make us believe we are our jobs. Talya is a marketer! Is that whom I am? But does your job define you? Are you what you do day in and out? Or is there more to who I am? I am still trying to figure this out…

My whole life, probably together with majority of the Western world, it’s drilled into our heads that we are our job, and a job is an occupation and a career, where you climb the corporate ladder, you report into some kind of managerial leader, you work 9-6pm and at the end of the month you get a pay check. Simple?

Fast forward time, change your circumstances, what about when you have kids? What about a stay at home mum (or dad)? Is that not a job? Are you a nobody as you’re not going through the corporate motions so to speak, be it a lawyer, graphic designer, Dr, teacher or nurse? It appears that often value of a person is closely linked to profession. Wow he’s an associate director, he has done so well. Wow she’s a senior consultant, she must be a superhero. Oh she’s a stay at home mum, that’s easy doing nothing all day!

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Dear Mummy,

I just want you to know I love you. Hear me out…

Please don’t get irritable and irritated when I can’t settle and put myself to sleep…

Please don’t get frustrated when I’m crying, I’m only trying to let you know I need you…

Please don’t roll your eyes and mutter something under your breath, you are my hero and I need some extra comfort…

Please don’t shout at me when I don’t do what you want. I’m only a baby, a small dependant baby who needs your love…

I don’t cry or whinge to upset you…

I want to talk to you. I want you to know I’m sore or hungry or just need some love. I’m not here to ruin your life or make it unpleasant. It’s my way of saying help!

Please pick me up and cuddle me, rock me and look into my eyes. Give me reassurance and remember I’ll only be this small for short while.

Remember you are my world. You are my rock. You are my feeder and my cleaner and my everything.

The big world is ginormous for me. I miss our close intimate time when I was warm and cosy inside. So please take it slow, I need time to adjust to the world around me. The sounds, smells and colours. It’s all new and beautiful. But bare with me.

I know your world is busy and you got lots to do, but don’t forget me. I don’t understand waiting and later or give me 5 minutes. I’m used to having everything right here and now…

I know this time may seem forever, but I promise you it’s short lived. I will learn and grow up quickly, so hold me tight and cherish the moments. I know I’ve turned your life upside down and inside out, but I love you and you are my world. My everything. My reason for being. I look at you and know I am safe, secure and valued.

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It’s ok to cry and wish the day away without guilt…
It’s ok to feel overwhelmed and that your not coping…
It’s ok to feel you just want to collapse from exhaustion and emotion…
It’s ok to want to crawl up in the foetal position and just want time out…
It’s ok to want a break from your baby for your own sanity without feeling neglect…
It’s ok to ask for help and accept help when it’s offered…
It’s ok to admit things are tough and you need a hand or a hug…
It’s ok to want your own time and space for your own well-being…
It’s ok to prioritise yourself about your family so in turn everyone gets a happier mummy…
It’s ok to say no to people and not feel guilty for doing so…
It’s ok to lower your own self-expectations and understand that’s normal…
It’s ok to mourn your old life and accept your new beautiful life…
It’s ok to want time off without any judgement…
It’s ok feel raw inside and say help me I’m not coping…
It’s ok to be me first before a wife and a mum…
It’s ok to admit things are tough and know you’re not alone…
It’s ok to cancel arrangements and spend alone time instead…
It’s ok to have off days and feel glum…

HOWEVER…
It’s not ok to blame yourself…
It’s not ok to curse yourself…
It’s not ok to belittle yourself…
Its not ok to sS=ay your not good enough…
It’s not ok to have ongoing guilty emotions…
It’s not ok to expect the world of yourself…
And it certainly is not to be everything to everyone and neglect yourself…

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To the mummy who is lying curled up in a foetal position on the couch from pure exhaustion and sleep deprivation…

To the mummy who locks herself in the bathroom while tears stream down her face for feeling inadequate…

To the mummy who wants to escape to the grocery store for some time out but then feels guilty for leaving her brood…

To the mummy who feels she cannot juggle 100 things like before and feels like she’s failed again and again…

To the mummy who is totally overwhelmed and needs that evening glass of wine to decompress…

To the mummy who just palms her baby off when her husband comes home so she can get a breather and go to the toilet in peace…

To the mummy who has tears rolling down her cheeks because it’s all so damn hard and who feels like she should be coping…

To the mummy who feels like she’s failed because her self-expectations are too high and haven’t been shifted although her life has been turned upside down…

To the mummy who prioritizes everyone before her and neglects her wellbeing and feels like she’s lost her sense of self…

To the mummy who orders yet another take away because cooking a nutritious meal may tip her off the edge…

To the mummy who shouts and and then feels like the worst person on earth and is broken inside…

To the mummy who wears a brave, strong face and smiles for her baby / kids but is crumbling inside…

YOU MUMMIES ARE AWESOME!
YOU MUMMIES ARE NORMAL!
YOU MUMMIES ARE ACING IT!
YOU MUMMIES ARE VALUABLE!
YOU MUMMIES ARE SOMEONE’S WORLD!
YOU MUMMIES ARE THE BEST….

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The C-section pouch, the overhang, the flap… sounds kind of depressing, going nowhere and here to stay, right?

Mind shift change – the miracle flap that allowed a little happy munchkin to emerge into this world, healthy and bouncy, not so depressing, right?

It’s all about a mindset, the way we view the world. Things can seem bleak, dull and the road ahead to what was – long! Remember it sometimes has to pour to see the rainbow.

Things will never be the same. Our bodies will never be the same. Our freedom will never be the same. Our time will never be the same. Our emotions will never be the same. But why would you want the same? Life, she is moving! Things aren’t static so why should we be?

Life is so much richer, brighter and fuller. Life with kids is a blessing and miracle which we take for granted.

We as mammas may feel pulled in a million directions at once, we may feel like we treading on a thin surface at times, but we’ve got this! We have the innate ability to juggle, catch and keep all in line – often without knowing! We are the pillar of strength for so many other factors.

So, what’s the point of hitting ourselves yearning for what was? Hoping for that flat stomach, hoping for a lay in. Embrace the miracles which you’ve been awarded with an all-encompassing glow.

Life will change for the better! Guaranteed.

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