What is the “South Africa” in me?

When someone asked me, “what is the ”South Africa” in me?” it may be ponder what it really means to me, as it forms a huge chunk of my identity, as it’s my home! Or is it really my home, or is it more accurately, my birthplace?

I have a real love-hate relationship with that place. I was born there in the 80’s (yonks ago, I know). Growing up as a kid there was fab, the weather was incredible, we spent days in the pools, playing outdoors, tons of sports and holidays at the beach. It appeared carefree. People were friendly and warm. But having high fences and gates were the norm. I never questioned the reality of living in a safe enclosure, like a mini prison, it was just a part of our home. Until much later and more so, today as a grown up!

I am inherently proud to be a Saffa. My roots are strong. My essence is that of my fellows – friendly, warm, open! I always remember speaking to the petrol attendants, or the ladies packing my groceries: conversations which stretched far beyond a simple hello. Chats about our lives, our families, our struggles and our shared loves. There was always an underpinning sense of togetherness – Ubantu – despite being so isolated behind our own high walls and barbed wire fences. Ironic.

My South Africa was shattered when my brother was hi-jacked and kidnapped. My rendition of a warm, intertwined feeling of closeness to my fellow people instantly transformed into a sense of fear for my life and those closest to me. My sense of safety and being comfortable was robbed from me. How could I trust anyone? How do I know their intentions? My ‘giving someone the benefit of the doubt’ approach buckled. Life felt tense. I was nervous to stay home alone, to drive alone, to walk through the mall alone. I grew eyes on the back of my head, I knew who was around me all the time, and I could never drop my guard.

This bipolar relationship to a place I call(ed) home haunted me. How could I love the same thing I hated and feared so much? It didn’t make any sense. I was torn and found no inner peace with these pulls, until I moved countries to the UK. Having the opportunity to retract, breath and process how much a country, a place, a home meant to me became a real discovery exercise.

I was able to accept the good, the bad and the ugly and not let one element taint the other. The South Africa in me will always remain dear and close as it moulded who I am. It grounded me. It made me strong. Moving from a third world country to a first world country, I felt resilient and ready to tackle whatever came my way. My work ethic is strong. I am committed and passionate. I know what hard work and achievement feels like and I give that all to where I came from.

With my very own eyes, I saw and gained so much from the diversity of the country. I witnessed raw talent of the street vendors making wire and beaded goods like none other. I felt a strong rhythm in the beat of the country. The passion and spirit was prevalent. The dancing and singing wherever I went. There was no holding back and none of this, I am too X to do this / be that. People lived and expressed themselves openly and proudly.

Being a minority (white and Jewish and female) in a predominately black society, where there is an unfair / reverse discrimination towards White people, following the Apartheid, called BEE (Black Economic Empowerment), this made me push myself. I excelled and developed myself in order to show up in a way which felt good to me. I know I was hired based on my skills and expertise, not based on my background and skin colour. This is a very harsh reality of living in such a culture. But it made me strong. It made me question what was important to me. It taught me to stick to my guns (excuse the pun in South African terms). And for all of this, I am proud and grateful.

On the flip side, my experience of South Africa ended very abruptly. I resigned, packed up and moved quickly. For many years, I sat on the fence with one foot rooted in South Africa and one foot in the UK. This felt safer, yet very unsettling. I wanted the best of both worlds, but did this exist? Did I have to choose between one or the other? I knew I couldn’t extract the good of both and toss the bad out. Life doesn’t work like this.

So, as I decided to embrace a life here in London, starting a family and setting firm roots, I felt an overriding sense of relief and love for where I came from. The goodness, the life lessons, the camaraderie will always live and burn bright within me. Yes, I will continue to be uber street smart and more cautious than my neighbours and friends, but that is deeply ingrained within.

My South Africa, I salute you!