… or disillusion?

“The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.” – Warren Buffet. So wise Buffet!

I wish I was taller like person X, I wish I was thinner like person Y, I wish I had it all under control like my friend Z… I, together with the rest of humanity, can continue wishing and ultimately comparing ourselves to others, yet the end results are always somewhat damaging. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and I’ve seen this first hand.

Life often feels like a web full of comparative traps, where we’ve got the opportunity to bounce away and live for ourselves, or to get sucked in hoping for something which may not even be in realistic reach for us. Easier said than done, right? At each and every juncture of our lives, there is potential to compare ourselves to others, which gives us a false sense of achievement, leaving so much room for failure and feeling inadequate. But if we know this so loud and clearly, why (the hell) do we always do it?

Throughout the last 3 years of being a mama, I can count the endless junctures for comparing, which made me question if I was a good enough mum or if I was doing things wrong. And this is all too common. I’ve been blessed with two kiddos who are physically advanced, who have crawled at 4 months, stood at 6, walked by 11 months. Yet spoken a lot later than their mini peers. What did I do wrong that their vocab wasn’t as quick? Did I only focus on the physical and fine motor skills? Is something wrong with them? There’s also been moments when I’ve thought I’ve got it so wrong (again) as they won’t sleep in a buggy, or never slept through the night from 8 weeks, or still have a dummy, or or or….!

The danger of living in this comparative state is that you will never feel good enough, there will always be the potential to experience inadequacies. This often leads us to only looking at what we don’t have, instead of all our blessings and what we do indeed have.

Comparisons allow others to be in your drivers seat, dictating how we live, what we do, how we react. It’s all for the external, and this will ultimately be self destructive, as what’s next? If we don’t control the us, who will? And what’s worse, when looking towards others, we often compare their greatest and best traits to our average and not always best ones. Failure waiting to happen. Time to chuck this distorted lens and stop peering through what appears as rose tinted glasses.

Playing and not always winning at someone else’s scorecard ain’t easy! It’s not what matters in this world. What’s the point of winning the wrong game? Pointless. However, when comparisons are doing positively, then it’s a win-win. If you use someone else as a blueprint to where you want to get to, say for example in the business world, then you can observe, study and utilise their procedures to get from A-B. It’s not about wanting to be person X, it’s more about wanting to adopt successful and proven strategies than do indeed work.

A biggie in this comparison jungle is that far too often people only put out the censored, praiseworthy and well groomed version of oneself. Just think how many selfies we’ve all taken and posted, probably get 1 good one out of 10? So what’s out there for the world to see, is not always reality as we experience it. We censor what we want others to see, so when comparisons occur, it is based on an edited, maybe contrived version of ourselves. How can we compare our raw selves with fictionalised versions of others? Not apples for apples, right? This is so damaging and to me, pointless.

Sadly in today’s chaotic world, we look to compare externalities. We compare looks, weight, wealth, jobs, status. But is this really only who we are? How often do you hear I wish I was as compassionate as X, or as empathetic as person Y, or I wish I could be as charitable as person Z. Imagine the focus shifted to the internal scorecard? Imagine! Hardly ever. This is a fault with society.

And with this COVID crap, it feels, for me at least, that all the superfluous outer things which aren’t important have started to dissolve when we can’t always hide behind what’s not really us. It’s so clear for me. The real me / us are emerging loud and clear, vulnerable and questioning. But how beautiful if we could start looking to compare positively. To stop the BS of wanting to be the Jones!

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As one door closes, another opens. As we move through life, we transition from one phase to the next, one chapter to the subsequent and often, this may evoke many different reactions or feelings. There’s no right or wrong. There’s no textbook answer as it’s all so personal and circumstantial.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of transitions and changes we all experience right from being a baby throughout our lives. Some may easily flow from one to the other, where we may not even realise the change as it’s so smooth and and transparent, and possibly minor. Other transitions can really shake us, we can feel like we’ve been chucked in the deep end or they may be so emotionally jerking that we find the shift painful and anxiety provoking. Or more simply, just SH*@T!

Today is my Day 1. Again. And although I’ve been in the same boat before, it’s uneasy. Today I am back to work after my maternity leave. Back to the grind. Rejigging my focus, from baby to corporate. From naps and bottles, to blogs and spreadsheets. From close, personal and intimate 1-1 bonding, to the more expansive, more impersonal realm.

There’s the constant pull: being comfortable with the way things are, with your inertia, content with the present reality versus the excitement of the new, of change, of spreading wings. Often there’s a sense of excitement for the anticipated change or a real flurry of fears and what ifs. This is normal, I tell myself. But what is the discomfort about? Is it a fear of the unknown? It is a lack of confidence that you’re making the right decision? Is it fear of moving out of your comfort zone? Is it a fear of lack of external validation and judgement? There are so, so many questions which can make transitioning a bumpy journey, but it doesn’t always have to be.

I do believe that even if we know deep down that the time is right to transition to what’s next, it may feel hard, as familiarity is often easier than initial uncertainty. I know for me, I can often navigate situations with my eyes closed, I feel I am so done and things are stale, but that feeling of security is way easier than leaping forward to the new way (whatever they may be), and kind of inflicting some sort of change and shuffle. Obviously some transitions are inevitable, we have no choice. Often the fear of failure, or what if things don’t go according to the way it’s meant to, may immobilise us from taking that step forward. I know I freeze. I cannot move. I cannot jump.

Then there’s the self-judgement aspect of change. Am I courageous enough? Do I have the balls to do this? What if it’s not the right choice for me and I screw up? And of course, the judgement of others: why is she doing this? Is she too slack? Is she too bold? Is she mad? Is she jumping the gun? Why this, why that? Judgement can jump…

Change and transitions can be bittersweet and that’s common. It’s important to take stock of where you’ve been, what you’ve achieved, what you’ve learnt, what you’ve gained and savour the moment of gratitude of that experience before moving forward. Then move, go, confidently. There may be an element of loneliness, of mourning what was, of emptiness before once again becoming familiar with what’s new and at hand. Embrace it. Accept it. Feel whatever you feeling. If you’re scared, acknowledge the scare. If you’re unsure, embrace the uncertainty. If you’re excited, hold on to the excitement.

Often this change makes us feel out of control and there’s a lot of unpredictabilities. It may feel scary. It may feel daunting. It may feel overwhelming. This is life. Life is full of surprises. We don’t know what’s around the corner.

Humans are creatures of habit, but I guess sometimes we just need to move forward sometimes. We cannot stay still, static. That’s not life. Life is always moving, like it or not. We need to have trust in the bigger picture. We need to trust ourselves that we’ve done a thorough assessment on the opportunities and risks and that whatever we will feel will be OK. We need to just go with the waves of change and not fight the tide. Clique, I know.

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All it takes is 3 simple words, “are you ok?”. This question can literally make or break someone, someone in despair, someone having a tough time, someone who has a foggy head or has a lot going on for them. We never know what’s happening in someone’s mind, and often some genuine care, comfort and support is all that’s needed.

I know for me, especially during transitional phases where things require adjusting and letting go, these words are SO needed. The crucial part is that the question should not be empty. The asker needs to be ready to listen and hear what’s truly going on – as the answer may be, “no I am not OK.” Personal opinions and biases need to F$%@ off! It’s a time for hearing the pain, not criticising or (directly / indirectly) inflicting more big emotions, uncertainties or guilt.

I know I am going through a period of evolution and change, and in a big way. It kinda feels like an upheaval of some sort. Lots of personal changes, concurrently when there are lots of global changes. Nice. Take the trillion of shifts in the macro sense, but also in the micro. Living in a pandemic, life not being my so called normal. So, so many restrictions. Fear of what will be. Fear of life and death. Will things ever go back to normal? Changes in schedules and routines. Changes in sleep or lack of (more accurately). Working from home vs back in the office. Very shortened nursery days. Limited hands-on help. The babs starting childcare at 10 months. Letting go of being her sole carer and provider. Giving over my prized position (even to a place where I trust and of safety). Me returning to work after a bumpy, unexpected maternity leave of building works and lockdown. Just a lot for a little person.

It feels like all the nooks and crannies in my life have been rocked or even gently swayed, but nothing feels as it was. Times are changing. A lot of mega change, again! There is movement and momentum and this does feel uncomfortable and unsettling. Any change can, but so many shifts at once – stomach churning. During this time, more than ever, these 3 simple words are very much (compassionately) needed: “are you OK?”

Constantly wearing a strong, happy, brave face can also disillusion both others from offering real support as all does in fact appears hunky dory externally, as well as myself who lives with a total mismatch between the inner and the outer. This discrepancy creates so much inner turmoil as it’s so damn hard to articulate what’s really going on within, as noting appears to be going on outside on the surface level. Meanwhile back at the ranch, identity, core feelings and what makes me tick are up in the air.

I think the key is accepting that it’s OK not to feel OK and to admit things are just seriously shyte at the moment. I wish I could just shout it out confidently, with no care in the world. I need to internalise that it’s OK that there’s disruption, a few roadworks on my journey, but I need to learn to regulate and find an equilibrium inside that is adjustable to what’s going on. If things are challenging, I need to drop my self-expectations (drastically). Things cannot be the same when the elements at play are not the same. It’s not always about 1+1=2. 1+2 can not equal 2 if the variables are changed. Easier said than done. Always. It’s not about just carrying on, like I always have. It’s about pausing and breathing and feeling. Really feeling and allowing myself to feel whatever emotions pop up. There’s no shame in feeling crap. Ride the crap wave. It’s life. I fully know that feelings are feelings and humans are humans. Time for self-acceptance. Period.

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