Talk about a ride of a lifetime! For me, Coronavirus can be equated to Armageddon; living in a time of a silent battle, between the so called good (society – and that’s debatable for another day) and evil (the virus). It’s created so many battles within me during the last year, often which have just been shut down because the theme of Covid and all it encompasses for me, is just too much. The battle of lack of control, lack of knowing, lack of time-scale, lack of discrimination. For 365 days of this craziness, I often felt ignorance is bliss, I tried to not delve too deep into thinking about it, and we adhered to the national guidelines and did our bit. The stats and death-toll were totally uncomprehendible to me. I couldn’t visualise the numbers as it is all too catastrophic.

However, on day 365, exactly one year since the first case was announced in Wuhan, my hubby tested positive. It is a moment I will never forget. It looked like all the blood drained from his face when he said “Monk, I am positive”. My brain raced to what if X, what will we do if Y, it can’t be us, bla bla bla! Rewind a little, we had previously all had 3 tests prior to this for seasonal coughs and sniggles, as a precautionary measure, but never did I think, it would happen to us. Thinking about it, did I think we were invincible? I did for a long time, believe as we are TG not vulnerable, we would be OK. This became a moment where time stood still, and I felt like life was so, so fragile. Totally out of our control. We take too much for granted, and all within moments, the sentiments of what’s important shone bright: health and family.

Shortly thereafter, I received my test results and surprise surprise, I was positive too. With not much time to process it, I went into autopilot mode: how will I look after the girls, meals, work, house, our health. It just bubbled and bubbled inside, until it all erupted and I became terrified for our lives. Not because our symptoms were awful in the beginning, but all the what ifs started filling my brain and crashing me back down. I knew I had to Mama-up and stand strong for my troops, but I needed space to feel all the feelings and really reflect on what was happening in our little family unit.

Fast forward another day, and both girls tested positive! The worst text message to receive as a Mama ~ SIENNA / SKYLA: YOU HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONA-VIRUS, SO YOU MUST STAY HOME AND SELF-ISOLATE FOR 10 DAYS (feels more like 10 years). The guilt and emotion that washed over me was horrid. Was it my fault because I sent them to childcare? Were we irresponsible somewhere along the lines? Did we break the rules and now my girls are vulnerable? The thoughts were numbing, and debilitating.

Time and time again, I’ve had to remind myself that we’re all living through a global pandemic, something which is making history, something which has not been experienced before and thus, there is no manual, no blueprint what will be next, or how best to react. This virus is a silent terrorist in my eyes; it’s out to harm and kill and there’s no controlling it with any kind of barriers and boundaries. It just feels like an unstoppable force which has overrun the entire globe. No country is safe; no religion is safe; no gender is safe; no race is safe!

Self-isolating with other sick people ain’t easy! Two super active and energetic girls + 2 adults who are breathless, can’t lift their heads = not the best recipe. I’ve learnt so many lessons this week, some of which I hope I can take into life outside quarantine.

– Be kind to yourself: I dug deep and hard to find my self-compassionate voice and tried to hone in on that instead of the critical voice. I’ve tried hard not to blame myself for catching it; I’ve tried not feeling guilty that nursery / childminder have had to shut and other parents are probably seething! I have to keep reminding myself it is not my fault, it is not our fault! We are living in a pandemic.
– It’s OK not to be OK: when friends have asked how I am, my reaction is OK. Physically I’ve felt like death, the symptoms keep rollin’ n rollin’ in! I’ve always answered how I’m feeling physically! However, emotionally, it is a SH&#@t storm! It is taxing, it is relentless, it is terrifying, it is worrying, it is numbing, the list is endless. What I’ve learnt from my very good friend (my voice of reason) – say it’s hard, say it’s crap, say it’s not OK and that in itself is cathartic. And there’s no shame in this (I am learning, very very slowly).
– Accept help: when people offer help, there’s no need to be ashamed and say NO. People will only offer help, if they want to help. It is not putting people out, it’s allowing people who care to do something to ease up the situation at hand. We’ve been offered a meal rota with dinners and lunches, shopping, cooking, Shabbat meals, chocolates, crafts for the kids. The amount of soup and Challah we received has been enough for an army, we are blessed with the best.
–Tag team: This is the only way for survival when we’re both down with COVID. Be gentle and compassionate to each other. Let each other sleep, lots of low key activities while one can chill and one on duty. But tagging means speaking up too. Which I’ve found hard. Saying I feel crap and I need to rest can do the world of good, for everyone, trust me!

This is an ongoing blog, watch this space….

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What a year! 2020 – there’s so much to say about you, so much I’d love to scream about, cry about, yet so much has emerged from you! Never ever in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, more accurately), could I vaguely conjure up anything close to what global society has encountered. It’s not even comparable to anything our generation has experienced before, and therefore, there’s no blueprint on what’s next, what to expect, how to react, and most importantly, knowing that the 7.5 billion people in the world are experiencing the same, talk about a common thread across every single country in the world -> world unity (LOL).

If I am totally honest with myself whole-heartedly, I’d say this year has been a struggle! Yes, there’s always a silver-lining, but my gawd, it’s been relentless, full-on, non-stop! Autopilot has been my default survival mode. Often, functioning without much thought, just living robotically. Kinda like mentally-checked out, mind-wandering and day-dreaming, without much focus! The opposite to my old normal default. I recall so clearly, in the heart of the spike, someone asking me how I am, and I said surviving, and he said you should be thriving! Surviving it was, there was no making plans, no seeing our family and friends, no nursery, no going into the office, no parks, nadda! Our (thankfully big) 4 walls felt like they were becoming smaller and smaller, closer and closer with us 4 surviving together, adapting and re-juggling all our stuff together.

So, the corona-coaster has taught me so many things, some which I just took for granted, and others which showed how strong and resilient I am. Here goes, 20 things from 2020:

1. Family is everything! Never ever (fucking) take them for granted. They are the backbone of life, they support and push through the thick and the thin. Clique yes. 
2. The world is large, yet so small. Before Corona, I thought with technology the world felt smaller. It’s easy to chat to family in South Africa on FaceTime and it made them feel a lot closer, with the underlying knowledge that trips could be booked whenever. However, not knowing when next I can see my dad makes the world feel vast and scary, like aliens on different planets.
3. Be thankful for health. Corona is a silent terror. Every breathe I take is a blessing. Doing those COVID tests are so frightening, as I never knew what the result would be, and therefore what would unfold thereafter.
4. It’s OK to swear! F%@* became one of my default words. It ain’t going to kill anyone, but is a good tension-reliever!
5. Creativity is inherent in us all. I was able to be so creative with my girls, from making animals out of egg boxes, to elephants out of milk bottles, cars out of Amazon boxes. Sometimes, it’s the simple things that are the most fun. It’s amazing how far the imagination can span when you just let it do its thing. Far beyond what I expected, and it’s amazingly fun.
6. Connection is key! When faced with isolation and lack of face-to-face interaction, ensuring connection and relationships with those closest to you is critical. Be in on WhatsApp, online games, Zoom calls with the kids, dropping cards at those nearest and dearest.
7. Admitting things are hard helps take some of the pressure off wanting everything to be picture perfect all the time. I remember someone saying, imagine just letting out some air of a really full balloon and then chances are it won’t pop. That’s it right. I learnt to ask for help and let go of wanting to do it all by myself. I realised it’s not a sign of failure, it’s actually a sign of strength and courage.
8. A biggie I learnt is that social media has it’s pros and cons! A lot of the content on those squares is filtered, staged and can really create an internal battle within, making you feel like you’re doing less, you are not as good and you’re not enough. BS! I’ve done it myself, how many times do we retake a pic so it’s Insta perfect? Many! How often what is depicted is the full picture? Hardly ever! It’s like why air your dirty laundry! But I strongly internalised that Insta is not the full puzzle. It should not be grounds for any kind of comparison. Big lesson!
9. Community is so vital. Before lockdown 1.0, our neighbours weren’t very close. The camaraderie and care that was created was something I’ve never experienced before. People were shopping for each other, people were making soup for each other, people were having drinks together in their own driveways, kids of different ages were engaging. It was truly heart warming. By lockdown 2.0, it was like one big happy family. I am truly blessed with such special neighbours who I trust, we have each other’s backs, we’ve laughed together, we’ve whinged together! We’ve lifted the fences between us and had socially distanced BBQs together.
10. Being in the moment doesn’t need to be 24/7. I thought I needed to be in it 100% of the time with the girls, giving them my undivided attention and if not I was failing and letting them down. I learnt that it’s a lot more effective to give 100% for shorter periods, than half hearted for longer periods. And this without guilt! Kids are more resilient and self sufficient that I expected. Word.
11. Allowing children to be bored some of the time is a good thing. I always wanted to do thing after thing after thing. But I heard a child psychologist say, when kids are bored, it gives them the space to use their mind and exercise their imaginations in a free way. Structure and formal activity is fantastic, but often, more creativity and stimulation can come from uninhibited play.
12. Self-care is a non-negotiable. And yes, I am somewhat preaching. Because I didn’t initially practice this. However, feeling totally drained and burnt out is the result of a lack of care. I learnt to take bubble baths without feeling guilty. I found micro-moments for myself, whether it was making a coffee and drinking it in peace alone, or writing personal blogs to get my thoughts together, or listening to calm music. For me, writing was my biggest care tool. It helped me express the good, the bad and the ugly (and gosh, it got ugly).
13. There’s nothing wrong with speaking to a professional. I. had so many stigmas and taboos about therapy. Only screwed up people go! But it is such a great space for thinking about things which seem hard and discussing objectively. I realised you don’t need to be screwed up to speak to a therapist. I found it so cathartic and reassuring and this was one of my biggest shifts forward in 2020. Something I’ll defo not be afraid of in the future.
14. Red wine and gin are king! Red wine became my best friend, it took the edge off some of the shittest days, and comforted the long days. However, I learnt it’s not a healthy coping strategy. Everything in moderation (hence the dry January)….
15. Us, humans, are not in control. We cannot control what’s happening in the world as much as we all think we can. We are not invincible or protected, we are all equals. I know I try to control my circumstances as much as I can, but I’ve learnt to put my hands up at times, and appreciate that this is life for now, our old normal has shifted to a new, crazy normal, but it is OK. It’s about acceptance I found, instead of fighting and trying to push away, accept and things do feel easier. Trust.
16. Gratitude! During what was a hell of a year, so many tradegies and losses, and moments of grief, I decided every evening I would acknowledge 3 things I was grateful for that day. Some days this seemed impossible, yet I forced myself to practice this gratitude and I’ve since continued and it’s amazing how grateful we can be for the small things. Things such as a warm cup of tea, nice neighbours, glitter, Peppa Pig, cuddles, a smile….
17. I am resilient. I feel that 2020 taught me I can truly withstand difficult situations. And I will be OK. I have all the tools within that I need. Some days were rough, some nights were super rough, lack of sleep, lack of motivation, sibling rivalry, fear of Covid, lack of connection, lots of thinking, but I survived. I came out stronger and braver and more courageous than I ever would have imaged. Yes, I am usually shy, scared and like calculated decisions knowing things are safe and somewhat controlled. 2020 pushed me out of my comfort zone 1000 times, thanks 2020!
18. Working from home is possible! Gone are the days of 9-5! Gone are the days of solely working in an office. I always looked at my hubby and freelance friends and thought, God I couldn’t do that, with no team around, motivating myself to get out of bed and work. You gotta be a go-getter! But I did it. I found my little working corner. I made it cosy. I ensured I got out of PJs every day (sometimes unwillingly) and I just got on with it and smashed it. It’s amazing how mind-shift and focus is SO within our remit.
19. Nursery and childcare is so uber important for kiddies, no matter how young. I am so lucky to have two settings which both seem like a home away from home! I am blessed my girls love it and just want to go, and the care, love and support has been unreal. It’s mind-blowing how much passion and zest is put into caring and ensuring the wellbeing of our kids. Teachers and childcare practitioners (mine and all others) – I salute you! You are my super-heroes!
20. My biggest learning of 2020: I learnt I am HUMAN! Not superhuman. Just ordinary like everyone else. I’ve always wanted things to be perfect. Wanted kids who slept through. Wanted a tidy house. Wanted a lot of unrealistic things, which often lead me to having very high expectations of myself, my life and my family. Which lead to a lot of guilt and feelings of potential failure! It’s OK to shout, it’s OK to cry, it’s OK to have a lot of take-aways, it’ OK to binge on Peppa, it’s OK to want to not get up, it’s OK to cry and say life is a shit-storm, it’s OK to be in your own bubble and not care what others think or say, it’s OK not to be OK.

So with all of that, I step into 2021! Hopefully it’s a year I don’t want to CONTROL-ALT-DELETE! But it is another year of growth, of love, of unity, of support, of self-discovery and ultimately, the world getting back to some kind of normality, whatever that may look like.

Love and peace y’all! 🙂

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