Talk about a ride of a lifetime! For me, Coronavirus can be equated to Armageddon; living in a time of a silent battle, between the so called good (society – and that’s debatable for another day) and evil (the virus). It’s created so many battles within me during the last year, often which have just been shut down because the theme of Covid and all it encompasses for me, is just too much. The battle of lack of control, lack of knowing, lack of time-scale, lack of discrimination. For 365 days of this craziness, I often felt ignorance is bliss, I tried to not delve too deep into thinking about it, and we adhered to the national guidelines and did our bit. The stats and death-toll were totally uncomprehendible to me. I couldn’t visualise the numbers as it is all too catastrophic.
However, on day 365, exactly one year since the first case was announced in Wuhan, my hubby tested positive. It is a moment I will never forget. It looked like all the blood drained from his face when he said “Monk, I am positive”. My brain raced to what if X, what will we do if Y, it can’t be us, bla bla bla! Rewind a little, we had previously all had 3 tests prior to this for seasonal coughs and sniggles, as a precautionary measure, but never did I think, it would happen to us. Thinking about it, did I think we were invincible? I did for a long time, believe as we are TG not vulnerable, we would be OK. This became a moment where time stood still, and I felt like life was so, so fragile. Totally out of our control. We take too much for granted, and all within moments, the sentiments of what’s important shone bright: health and family.
Shortly thereafter, I received my test results and surprise surprise, I was positive too. With not much time to process it, I went into autopilot mode: how will I look after the girls, meals, work, house, our health. It just bubbled and bubbled inside, until it all erupted and I became terrified for our lives. Not because our symptoms were awful in the beginning, but all the what ifs started filling my brain and crashing me back down. I knew I had to Mama-up and stand strong for my troops, but I needed space to feel all the feelings and really reflect on what was happening in our little family unit.
Fast forward another day, and both girls tested positive! The worst text message to receive as a Mama ~ SIENNA / SKYLA: YOU HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONA-VIRUS, SO YOU MUST STAY HOME AND SELF-ISOLATE FOR 10 DAYS (feels more like 10 years). The guilt and emotion that washed over me was horrid. Was it my fault because I sent them to childcare? Were we irresponsible somewhere along the lines? Did we break the rules and now my girls are vulnerable? The thoughts were numbing, and debilitating.
Time and time again, I’ve had to remind myself that we’re all living through a global pandemic, something which is making history, something which has not been experienced before and thus, there is no manual, no blueprint what will be next, or how best to react. This virus is a silent terrorist in my eyes; it’s out to harm and kill and there’s no controlling it with any kind of barriers and boundaries. It just feels like an unstoppable force which has overrun the entire globe. No country is safe; no religion is safe; no gender is safe; no race is safe!
Self-isolating with other sick people ain’t easy! Two super active and energetic girls + 2 adults who are breathless, can’t lift their heads = not the best recipe. I’ve learnt so many lessons this week, some of which I hope I can take into life outside quarantine.
– Be kind to yourself: I dug deep and hard to find my self-compassionate voice and tried to hone in on that instead of the critical voice. I’ve tried hard not to blame myself for catching it; I’ve tried not feeling guilty that nursery / childminder have had to shut and other parents are probably seething! I have to keep reminding myself it is not my fault, it is not our fault! We are living in a pandemic.
– It’s OK not to be OK: when friends have asked how I am, my reaction is OK. Physically I’ve felt like death, the symptoms keep rollin’ n rollin’ in! I’ve always answered how I’m feeling physically! However, emotionally, it is a SH&#@t storm! It is taxing, it is relentless, it is terrifying, it is worrying, it is numbing, the list is endless. What I’ve learnt from my very good friend (my voice of reason) – say it’s hard, say it’s crap, say it’s not OK and that in itself is cathartic. And there’s no shame in this (I am learning, very very slowly).
– Accept help: when people offer help, there’s no need to be ashamed and say NO. People will only offer help, if they want to help. It is not putting people out, it’s allowing people who care to do something to ease up the situation at hand. We’ve been offered a meal rota with dinners and lunches, shopping, cooking, Shabbat meals, chocolates, crafts for the kids. The amount of soup and Challah we received has been enough for an army, we are blessed with the best.
–Tag team: This is the only way for survival when we’re both down with COVID. Be gentle and compassionate to each other. Let each other sleep, lots of low key activities while one can chill and one on duty. But tagging means speaking up too. Which I’ve found hard. Saying I feel crap and I need to rest can do the world of good, for everyone, trust me!
This is an ongoing blog, watch this space….
January 15, 2021