Once you have a glimmer of freedom, it’s hard to go back to what was, as it was with no shift. If I’m totally honest (and vulnerable), that’s where my life changed. My big shift was centred around the notions of “control” and “self belief”. Two lingering strands which I’ve gripped tight to my whole life, sometimes holding on for dear life, yet at other times, able to loosen my grip and just swing with the ebbs and flows of life.

So, I’ve been fashioned a certain way. Right from when I was young; achievement and productivity was important. Success was a bi- product of working hard, achieving, job titles, corporate ladders. But for me, this allowed zero balance and minimal time for myself, as this was selfish of course! But this is how my life showed up, work then personal priorities. And it was the norm, where I had nothing to compare it to, so along with the currents and tides I went…

Easy and comfortable it was! But I had this deeper yearning for something more; something which revolved around connection, authenticity, family, compassion, nurture and personal satisfaction. My life didn’t entirely fit into the values I deemed important but with two young kids, I went into autopilot and mom mode! Until one day, that burning desire was so prevalent – I needed to explore and discover more…

Despite having 15 years experience working in the marketing industry across multiple brands globally, I believed I couldn’t do it alone, for me! I thought if I went freelance I’d be starting for scratch, not from extensive experience! This limiting belief was so ingrained, as much as I tried to go against my grain, I defaulted back to my status quo! Until one day, I decided to tackle this head on and become clear on the whys and hows in order to leap forward.

Another limiting factor was the concept of control. I was controlled by corporates my whole career. I was at their beck and call as  being employed made me accountable, yet felt like a puppet despite my seniority! I had little control over my life, I was overworked, undervalued and not showing up as the best me in any areas of life. I was controlled, I was lost, I was everything to everyone but not to myself.

It was like a bomb exploding one day where I knew I had to run and evolve, or keep quiet, no more complaining! After getting direction from incredible coaches and mentors, I saw the light, despite how dark and hard the process may be. I saw a glimmer of what life could be; of how I could be a more present and involved mom, or how I could choose to do the work I enjoyed; how I could re-discover who I am and what makes me tick and of course, boost our marriage which for obvious reasons became about the kids! I tasted freedom and choice, I imagined what control feels like where I’m in the drivers seat.

Experiencing this freedom momentarily through visualisations and meditative practices. I mapped out how I wanted life to look like and I leaped! I leaped forward to being in control of my life, and gained the power to dictate what I wanted (despite how unclear that was). I knew a different reality was possible which I could build in the exact way which suited my desires, values and priorities!

I could never go back to what was, no ways! However hard my journey is, I know the reasons why! Under the layers of emotions and self-critical talk (which I’m learning to soften), I know this new way of life where I can choose and don’t need to feel subservient to anyone or anything makes so much sense. Yes, the unknown is challenging. Yes, things take time to build and nurture. Yes, sometimes comfort is easier than discomfort. Yes, I feel resentment and guilt and pain. Yes, I have questioned when I am feeling self-doubt. But, it is my life, my way and my choice!

No regrets (sometimes when I’m overwhelmed), you get one life I’ve learnt. Being miserable and feeling tied is a choice, I’ve gained the confidence and clarity to pivot to a new happier space, with unlimited possibilities to be the best me! (Cheesy, but true)…

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So, after 6 years in my current job (actually 15 employed years), I am packing all my goodies into my metaphoric cardboard box, not forgetting my token pot plant. You know, like the movies! After a very up and down experience, I took the (long-awaited) plunge and resigned! Adios!

“OMG, you are crazy, people are being made redundant left right and centre!”. “Have you thought this thorough?”. “What if you can’t find business?”. “You giving up such a good job!”. You get the drift. These (not so) subtle statements were chanted at me (it felt with the same intensity as the whole of Wembley Stadium singing Football is Coming Home)… On the one hand compounding my self-doubt, yet on the other hand, empowering me to stand firm in what my gut is saying. Total dichotomy. Obviously.

Lockdown gave me the opportunity to question life. There’s gotta be a silver lining, right? What else do you do when staring at the same four walls, day in and day out? It started off a very in-depth process of introspection, one long overdue. Was I happy doing what I was doing? Was it allowing me to show up the way which aligned to my values in an authentic way? Were my skills being utilised and was I stimulated, or was doing my job with my eyes closed, good enough? Was I happy just swimming with the current, or was I yearning for something more fulfilling? Question after question kept bubbling to the surface, until one day, I stopped to listen!

The truth is, life and work was flexible, it was easy as it was routine. I was plain-sailing along with the flow, instead of swimming upstream, challenging myself. Yes, easy is comfortable! Yes, autopilot is smooth. Yes, I could continue as I was, but I had a burning desire to uncover what really made me tick. And no, it wasn’t a clear definite, but it was the beginning of a process.

So, I got myself a (frikking awesome) Life Coach. Someone to help unravel my twisted and tangled thinking wires. Someone who understands the pressures of modern motherhood laced with the demands of work. A juggling act and a hard balance, if I say so myself! I found I wasn’t showing up as the best me, wife, mom, colleague, friend or family member. I was being pulled in too many directions at the same time and something had to give and explode. And that something was ME! Being in a 1,000 places at once left me feeling I was doing all my roles sub-standardly, I never felt I was really winning in any areas. Which for a person who thrives on achievement, this was hard.

I started to uncover my values. What really meant the most to me and what I wanted for my life and family moving forward? Was it financial success and job titles, or something a little softer which revolved around connection, compassion, honesty, truth and integrity?

To cut a long story short… I went from employment to SELF-EMPLOYMENT, not unemployment! I’ve had to shift my mindset and preconceived notions so many times a day, that in fact, I have taken a choice here! I wasn’t forced into this, and I fully get the value of being my own boss. There is just so, so much attached to the notion of being an employee versus being the kind of boss to myself that I have yearned for, for so many years!

So, it’s not about shutting one door and starting from scratch, from 0 again. It’s about starting with 15 years under my belt, about taking my wide-ranging experience and passions and honing it down into something I actually want to be doing, where I can choose. I have the advantage where I can pick and choose the best bits from across my career which I love, and possibly say adios to the parts which bored the living heck out of me. I can choose my hours, it’s not about clocking watching 9AM – 5PM any longer, it’s about getting tasks done, not starring blankly at my laptop. My long list of pet-hates can now be archived as that chapter has lapsed, and I’m onto my next chapter – a continuation in my story of life.

So, without being conceited or vein, I am super damn proud of where I have got to; of the courage I’ve found deeply rooted within; of how I’ve learnt to silence my critical voice (even momentarily) and listen to that compassionate me and what it really wants.

Yes, there is some self-doubt and resentment on some days, but I have taken this grand step forward to become a better me; a more holistic me, a me that is doing what aligns to my beliefs and values, a me that feels worthy of care and being nurtured, a me that can wake up knowing I have made a conscious choice, a me who has sewn some new seeds of hope – hope to show up as ME (and the best wife, mom, family member, friend, colleague and human being).

So, as I take my next steps, even if the path may seem dark at times, there is a lot of light, for without darkness I will never see the light. My metaphoric pot-plant is now going to sprout and flourish, in a loving and fulfilled way!

Adios!

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