Once you have a glimmer of freedom, it’s hard to go back to what was, as it was with no shift. If I’m totally honest (and vulnerable), that’s where my life changed. My big shift was centred around the notions of “control” and “self belief”. Two lingering strands which I’ve gripped tight to my whole life, sometimes holding on for dear life, yet at other times, able to loosen my grip and just swing with the ebbs and flows of life.
So, I’ve been fashioned a certain way. Right from when I was young; achievement and productivity was important. Success was a bi- product of working hard, achieving, job titles, corporate ladders. But for me, this allowed zero balance and minimal time for myself, as this was selfish of course! But this is how my life showed up, work then personal priorities. And it was the norm, where I had nothing to compare it to, so along with the currents and tides I went…
Easy and comfortable it was! But I had this deeper yearning for something more; something which revolved around connection, authenticity, family, compassion, nurture and personal satisfaction. My life didn’t entirely fit into the values I deemed important but with two young kids, I went into autopilot and mom mode! Until one day, that burning desire was so prevalent – I needed to explore and discover more…
Despite having 15 years experience working in the marketing industry across multiple brands globally, I believed I couldn’t do it alone, for me! I thought if I went freelance I’d be starting for scratch, not from extensive experience! This limiting belief was so ingrained, as much as I tried to go against my grain, I defaulted back to my status quo! Until one day, I decided to tackle this head on and become clear on the whys and hows in order to leap forward.
Another limiting factor was the concept of control. I was controlled by corporates my whole career. I was at their beck and call as being employed made me accountable, yet felt like a puppet despite my seniority! I had little control over my life, I was overworked, undervalued and not showing up as the best me in any areas of life. I was controlled, I was lost, I was everything to everyone but not to myself.
It was like a bomb exploding one day where I knew I had to run and evolve, or keep quiet, no more complaining! After getting direction from incredible coaches and mentors, I saw the light, despite how dark and hard the process may be. I saw a glimmer of what life could be; of how I could be a more present and involved mom, or how I could choose to do the work I enjoyed; how I could re-discover who I am and what makes me tick and of course, boost our marriage which for obvious reasons became about the kids! I tasted freedom and choice, I imagined what control feels like where I’m in the drivers seat.
Experiencing this freedom momentarily through visualisations and meditative practices. I mapped out how I wanted life to look like and I leaped! I leaped forward to being in control of my life, and gained the power to dictate what I wanted (despite how unclear that was). I knew a different reality was possible which I could build in the exact way which suited my desires, values and priorities!
I could never go back to what was, no ways! However hard my journey is, I know the reasons why! Under the layers of emotions and self-critical talk (which I’m learning to soften), I know this new way of life where I can choose and don’t need to feel subservient to anyone or anything makes so much sense. Yes, the unknown is challenging. Yes, things take time to build and nurture. Yes, sometimes comfort is easier than discomfort. Yes, I feel resentment and guilt and pain. Yes, I have questioned when I am feeling self-doubt. But, it is my life, my way and my choice!
No regrets (sometimes when I’m overwhelmed), you get one life I’ve learnt. Being miserable and feeling tied is a choice, I’ve gained the confidence and clarity to pivot to a new happier space, with unlimited possibilities to be the best me! (Cheesy, but true)…