I’m hamster-wheeling through life it seems. By continuously being so busy, that my wheel (of things to do) is spinning with no slowing down, is just a breeding ground for panic, self-criticism and procrastination. So, there’s three options I envisage; one – to keep wheeling and spinning out of control; two– to jump out, which may bring with it some metaphoric tackles and grazes; lastly – slow the F%#& down! So, which one will it be? This question bubbles under my surface, day-in and day-out.
It’s no coincidence that I’m at the same juncture I know so well, overflowing with such unadulterated familiarity. For all of my adult life, I’ve had my foot full steam on the gas, forgetting about the break just millimetres away. Yes, I know sometimes it’s so hard to see the stop signs in our life when we are so blinded by our thousand tasks and lists, until one day, I got a sign: 0 MILES -REFUEL IMMEDIATELY! (Now, I’ve gone green, so no more petrol, however the constant reminder, has my car been charged, is there enough battery?) – same, same!
Yes, divine intervention did a slap bang jiggle in my face… I turned my car on and it started madly beeping (shouting) at me: 0 miles – refuel immediately! I had obviously seen the warning signs to fill up, but for some unknown reason, I never did (very unlike me). I believe this was a sign for me to stop and slow the F*$%# down, to either slow down my wheel or I’d tumble off with who knows what ramifications…
It’s funny, since the Corona-coaster, I have been so depleted, exhausted beyond measure and just operating with an empty vessel. That’s for another day; I keep pouring out but I’m not being filled up. Life is relentless. More and more is being piled on, we’re in the midst of global chaos, there’s a lot of big thinking when it comes to work, school, kids behaviours, choices, bla bla bla. All that adult stuff, which is so intertwined and knotted, that it feels impossible to unravel.
And I know I have to break, to slow the intensity of life down otherwise I will crash, crumble, dismantle and who knows what that will entail and look like. I just felt in autopilot with my foot on the excelerator, there was no break!
If I stopped, how would all these microcosms of my hectic life continue? Why did I have to be superhuman? Why did I have to do it all alone? Why couldn’t I admit things were tough? What was I afraid of? Why couldn’t I be perfectly ordinary and flawed and accepting like everyone else? What is this sense of perfection and having to do it all? Why do I always need to excel? Why can’t I cry, swear and break down when it’s hard? What’s so shameful and embarrassing? Will people look down on me? Or will I look down on myself if I stop this wheeling? So many daunting questions running through my head…
I just couldn’t bring myself to see what was going on in my life. But I was warned that I was past the burnout point, but I (stupidly) soldiered on. I constantly felt like a balloon with too much air, and I just needed to release some pressure to be ok, but I couldn’t. Then, a greater power slapped a big warning in my face which I could not ignore as it was so literal!
Besides crapping myself as I felt the universe was giving me one more literal message, I stopped, I made time to reflect, I questioned where my biggest pain points were, and how I could make achievable changes, because let’s face it, if I never succeeded at small stepping stones of change, I would not continue. Stubborn yes. I changed my life in the most drastic ways, I left a successful marketing career of 15+ years and went freelance to be my own boss, to work at my own pace, to choose my own rhythms. This handed me the remote control to choose the speed and tempo I want to operate at, with the unlimited possibilities of choice.
And absolutely, changing the pace of my wheel is not immediate. It comes with a lot of big emotion, and internal struggles. There’s a lot of guilt, resentment, falsehood, brave masks. If my wheel were to instantly morph into the perfect balance, I’d be worried too. Yup, some days are hard and all I want to do is jump back on the wheel and zoom through life, so I don’t have to think when I’m overwhelmed. Ignorance is bliss (temporarily). But I know, slow and steady and REAL wins the race. It’s about finding the right balance and speed and exertion; which is not carved in stone, and should be fluid and adaptable. Sometimes, pace and momentum is critical to progress, and this is all great, as long as the underlying motivations are authentic and not contrived for any ulterior motives or any other people. As long as their is alignment, then race as fast as you need, and slow as often as you need too. No right or wrong, just an open and honest mind and heart.
Why do people often need bad things to happen in order to wake up? So often you hear people were in a car accident and then their lives changed, or they got ill and then transformed themselves. Why does it take such drastic measures sometimes in order to stop, take stock of our lives and adjust accordingly? I felt like I got a gentle nudge, one that was manageable and not too dangerous. But what if I hadn’t had that?