Caveat alert: Never ever in this lifetime did I imagine I’d have the balls to write such a post so openly with so much conviction, honesty and vigour…

So, it’s Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week, such a taboo and stigma inducing topic for me, plus a subject which ain’t generally on people’s agendas to discuss. Let’s be honest, nobody likes airing their dirty laundry and opening up. But I’ve taken it upon myself to explore and understand what it really means to be a mother whilst trying to identify and maintain my own identity instead of being fully and utterly consumed in nappies, routines and bottles. 

Let’s start with the basics, the theme of mental health. Never would I have delved into this. Never ever! Not me, maybe it’s an issue for others. Guard up right there. My defences kick in and I deny any association with mental health. Weakness and failure always used to spring to mind…

Guilt that things should be easier, that I should be coping, that person X is flying and things are so straightforward. Am I a bad mum? Am I doing things wrong? Should I change my routines? Should I do what my NCT group’s kids are doing? Should I engage in the motherhood’s never ending competition about milestone achievements? Why is my child not sleeping through? Why is my child biting? Why did my child drop her nap so young? Why doesn’t my child sleep in a buggy? Why, why why? Can make you crazy, right? Can make you feel insignificant, right? Can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, right?

This constant questioning and comparing is not only exhausting but mentally draining. We all are individuals. We all have different backgrounds, cultures, beliefs, upbringings and ideas about what motherhood should look like. We all have our ideal ways and then there’s our realistic ways – often with a large discrepancy between. There’s no black and white, no one size fits all mould. 

Previously looking after oneself to me looked like taking care of yourself physically. If you’re not well, you go to the GP. If you have a toothache, you go to the dentist. I never ever contemplated looking after oneself emotionally and mentally. If things were hard and crap, then that’s the way it was. I never knew what it truly meant to look after myself holistically until I became a mum of two.

After living with a facade that things are easy and great for so long, peeling back the layers and exposing how I felt was daunting and overwhelming. I never wanted to be judged that I could not cope. Wearing this brave face mask covered up any sensitivities and vulnerabilities I felt. I never wanted to admit and acknowledge that I was loosing myself and who I truly was. Often, what was required was external validation to say I’m doing well and this catapulted me forwards until I needed my next fix of validation. Such an unhealthy way to live, which I’ve now accepted. With a ‘show no weakness’ mentality, my self expectations have always been (too) high, often requiring me to exert unnecessary pressure on myself, which at times has taken the pleasure and enjoyment out of things. There’s no point in maintaining other’s expectations of yourself if this is not who you truly are. Dumbass me.

Putting yourself first and foremost is not selfish or self-centred. Being number 5 on your personal priority list shouldn’t make sense. If you’re not well cared for, how can you care for others that need you most? I think what I’ve learnt most about mental health is that it’s imperative to look after yourself, to have a little ‘me time’, to ask for help, to be honest and open, to say things suck when they do.

The theme of this year’s Maternal Mental Health Awareness week is “supporting mums through difficult times” – so relevant and imperative during lockdown. It’s so easy to get consumed by household chores, looking after the kids 24/7, trying to ensure your partner can work as best as possible, so where do we as mums come in? Surely there’s no time for us? I’ve always felt an innate connection to other mums who just understand and empathise with each other how hard and sh%$t things can be. Often expressions speak louder than words. And there should be no shame.

The feeling of being a good enough mum was never enough. I wanted to be the perfect mum. It’s always been give 100%. All or nothing. What motherhood and lockdown has truly taught me is that life happens, things are out of control, we can only do so much and then the rest we need to let go of. We shouldn’t have to feel guilty or down trodden that our ducks aren’t always lined up. It’s OK to have some dirty dishes in the sink and get ready made meals. We don’t need to be Gordon Ramsey for every meal. Self compassion and kindness need a way to seep in, and we need to open little vents and spaces for this to happen.

We’ve all got a critical (loud) internal voice and much softer kind and gentle voice. The blaring noise from our critical self telling us that we not good enough, that we need to try harder, that we failing and so on, needs to be muted or even turned down, so we can truly listen to our gentler self telling us we doing great and are the best possible mums we can be. It’s so much easier to be harsh and self critical, easier to be a shark than a dolphin in most cases.

Mental health underlies our whole existence. It makes up who we are and how we present ourselves in this world. It’s time to take control and be proud of who you are and how much you’ve achieved. It’s a massive mind shift change and often requires some pushing and a big leap of faith, but I’ve learnt it’s most certainly worthwhile. We don’t need to hit rock bottom and breaking point to look after ourselves.

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If anything were to raise my anxiety, stress and blood pressure from 0 – 100 in an instant, it would be something / anything medical. Something out of my comfort zone, something where I’m not in control. As a caveat, all medical stuff from doctors to needles to medicine to hospitals ain’t my thing. Panic sets in, my hands go tingly and I go into flight mode. Fear alert.

So as you can imagine, Covid-19 hasn’t helped the situation at hand. It is the most surreal and unrealistic nightmare to be living through. The facts are daunting and the way the world has been jolted is just mind boggling. Seeing all these pop-up hospitals, horror stories and the continuous flood of information has overwhelmed most of society, including me. Yes of course there’s a lot of positives too. The comradery, compassion, unity and solidarity it’s brought out amongst so many is mind boggling too.

But this has taught me one strong lesson, to harden the F-up as a mama! Illness, sickness, viruses and procedures are all part and parcel of life. We can run, but we can’t always hide.

After having a very sick baba with a raging fever for days on end, followed by a spreading rash across her body, head and neck, followed by an ear infection, numerous virtual doctor appointments didn’t suffice. I had to grow some balls, man up and go to a doctor.

The experience felt totally out of a sci-fi movie, something I’d never ever expect to experience in my lifetime. I had to drive into a sterile tent when I got the go ahead. The doctor came out in full PPE, a visor, a mask, gloves, scrubs. I just cried. I felt like I was transported into an isolation unit where the sickest get treated. How can this be the new norm? I just had to see past my vulnerabilities and insecurities and look at the bigger picture. I think we so often get caught up in the little puzzle piece and its intensity, we forget about the rest of the picture. Micro vision is critical but so is macro.

I learnt a life lesson. As a mama you have to be strong and bite the bullet. You have to put yourself out there for the protection of your children. You have to role model behaviour you want them to emulate, no matter how hard it is for you. If you show panic and fear, they too will be scared growing up. I grew up scared of everything, of police, my shadow, disabled people, loud noises…. the list is endless. As a mama of 2, I try show no fear. I show I am strong and can face what’s thrown at me. I’ve learnt to harden the F%$# up!

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