Remember what is really meant to be carefree and adventurous? Instantaneous and living on the fly? The concept of right here, right now always springs to mind! I’ll do what I want, when I want! Oh the days of just deciding to go to the pub with some friends, or booking a spontaneous weekend away? How about last minute theatre tickets after work or late night shopping?
Fast forward time, to being a mummy, at home day and night, while a gorgeous little baby depends solely on you 24/7. Gives right here, right now a new meaning, right?
I very clearly recall someone telling me when I was pregnant, enjoy these last few months as soon you’ll mourn the past, when it’s all about you and your desires when you want. Mourn! I was totally shell shocked at the choice of words. Mourning equates to death for me. The end. Things will never be the same. And now, post two children, I understand this more clearly. It is the end of what was, however in the positive sense of the word.
Yes, life will be never be the same. Life has a new meaning and direction. Is it a loss that you don’t have what was? Sure some days you yearn for a little piece of that selfishness. Sure there are times where you wish you could just get up and go. But I do believe it’s a mindset shift to accepting the new, to adjusting to being slower and turning a different corner.
Mourning is often laced with sadness, grievance and immense suffering. Equating a new chapter of life with such negative associations breaks my heart. Missing may be a better replacement word. I miss my old life today.
There’s no denying we’ve all been there, although many are not willing to openly admit it. Why? Because it could look like you’re not grateful, you’re selfish, you’re a bad mum, you want your needs first, you’re always complaining, you’re not counting your blessing… the list is endless and at the same time, harmful.
Some days, us as mums, feel trapped, we want to feel independent instead of depended on 24/7, we want to do what we want, it’s overwhelming, it’s all encompassing and all consuming. And yes – it’s ok to feel this! We are just human. We want to sit in a coffee shop and read a magazine. We want to lie in on the weekend and not be woken 4x the night before. We want to go grocery shopping and enjoy deciding what we want for dinner and then cook without running the bath, shushing a tantrum or shaking a bottle. We want to go have our nails done and not rush back panicking about the next nap, I could go on forever!
It’s healthy to miss alone time, to reminisce and grow from our past experiences pre-motherhood. The feeling of not worrying about everything is liberating. It’s hard to have divided attention and your focus always being on gurgling, poos and naps. It’s hard loosing oneself and ones interests. It’s hard when all the days merge into one and you loose track of time. It’s easy to forget our identity as a person and to find struggle with that.
For sure we have our own needs and emotions. But that’s the dichotomy of parenting, it’s rewarding and challenging, it’s easy and hard and at the end of the day, it’s life changing. Missing what was is normal, it’s not wanting permanent in attachment. It’s a fleeting moment (although it may feel forever) where we need to ride the wave and go with the feeling.
Motherhood is demanding and often overwhelming. If you asked all mums do they miss life without kids, the general consensus would be a big loud yes. What does that say? Why’s there a taboo or stigma attached to being real and honest about our feelings? Why can’t the reality of motherhood be celebrated openly and nurtured when hard? It may feel like putting your foot on the pedal but you’ve run out of gas!
Guilt may often arise when the thought of leaving the house alone is a luxury. Opting to run to the shops, or doing the nursery run or popping into the bank. Even drinking a hot coffee or feeling desperate for a morning off.
Am I a bad mum if I want to go out alone? Breathing space and a little (adorable) being out of your personal bubble momentarily may often fuel a lot more positivity than credit is often given. Mums shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for yearning for what was, in a new way. It should be a right of passage where no permission needs to be granted. Just remind yourself, you’re a great mum. You’re the best mum. You’re not a failure for asking for time out. And yes, it’s ok to miss, mourn, long for what was!