Things were chaotic. I was trying to pay at the supermarket, I had my baby in the pram and my 2.5 year old had just tipped all the raspberries over the floor and was screaming. I sighed a massive sigh to try recalibrate quickly. The cashier looked over with absolute compassion and understanding and murmured “my love, I know it’s hard now, but don’t loose yourself”… those words have repeated in my head and continue to pound deep in my heart.
Motherhood is the biggest blessing: it’s beautiful, all encompassing, an emotional rollercoaster and of course, challenging! The expected waves of emotions come and go similar to that of the sea’s tide, in ebbs and flows. They pull both at my heart strings and often, in a different direction, at my heads strings. My head tells me one thing (usually more rational and practical) and my heart speaks to my emotions. The feelings often feel so overwhelming that they engulf me holistically, both positively and negatively.
Guilt, denial, obsession, love and exhaustion always lay on the top. Most of the time, let’s be blunt, mums are secondary to the needs of everyone else. A deeper sense of being ‘me’ is often missing. But how did it get taken away? Was it a gradual spiral that was so slow I never noticed loosing myself, or was the carpet of me pulled from beneath my feet so swiftly that my whole identity shifted? I am not sure…
Being a mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t exchange it for a million dollars, however there are times where I feel like I’ve lost ‘myself’ to a degree and concurrently, my expectations of myself are way too high! More elements have been thrown into my equation, yet my self-expectations have not been adjusted accordingly, which often leaves a feeling that I’ve not succeeded and I’ve let myself and everyone else down. Am I a mum, before I am myself? Or do I need to be myself before I can give and be a mum? This question is on repeat, and often sounds like a broken record.
But the yearn inside is looking to regain who I am as an individual first. Who am I before I was a wife and mummy? Am I a good mum? Am I a good wife? Why don’t I have all my ducks lined in a row? How come some days I get so much done, and others it’s so hard? Why do I loose patience and my temper more often than before? How come others cope? Am I a failure mum? Should I parent differently? Why don’t I look after myself first? So many questions keep popping up.
Some days are mushed into blobs of undefined moments where I can’t identify who I am. Nappies, naps, food, bottles, tantrums, no sleep bury me. But deep down, there is a tiny light shining trying to expose my real me.
There are so so many reasons why we loose ourselves as mothers. Possibly finishing up working and taking maternity leave changes who we are, as we may define ourselves according to our jobs – I am a Dr / lawyer / Accountant. Some of us loose ourselves when we loose our freedom to do what we want, when we want. For others, it’s lost when a whole lot more gets added to our plates. Another biggie is when we compare what was to what is. Stop looking backwards.
Some days seem impossible to even fathom who the real me is. But that’s ok too. Don’t pressurise yourself day in and day out to find yourself. Accept some days you will be carried by a different identity to that which you’re yearning for. Try make time to stop and think. Try reintroducing what makes you tick even if it’s weekly or monthly. Try do something for yourself which you really love. It can be as small as cooking your favourite meal, or a yoga class.
Sounds insignificant, but take care of yourself. If you used to love fashion, get dressed up, even if it’s for a baby class. If you love being groomed, get a manicure or have your hair done. If you a foodie, buy a recipe book and try a new meals once a week. Don’t neglect the things that you love. Even if it’s just for yourself, make that effort. One step at a time. Build yourself back up, even if it’s one tiny step forward. If you don’t look after you, who will?