I always to use to think I was in control and could somewhat control all my circumstances until I became a mum and my perspective shifted almost instantly. Being in control meant I could determine what happened, when and how, and that things would go according to my well-thought out strategies and plans. Sigh. As they say… “man plans, God laughs”….
When contemplating parenthood, this sort of “control” helped ease my thinking as I’ve always been petrified of labour, birth, babies, needles, medical procedures, epidurals and definitely surgery.
Living in my little bubble, I fell pregnant the first time very quickly. Great, I’ve got this! My pregnancy was pretty straight forward and easy. I met lovely people in my NCT class, we moved houses and made a beautiful baby nursery. All her adorable pink clothes were washed and perfectly folded. Things were on well track and under control.
I had a birth plan (which in my mind I get semi flexible), but everything else was so straight forward, so too would be the rest until things crumbled and my labour became somewhat disastrous and traumatic.
After my waters breaking on a Wednesday and my baby being born on a Saturday, a lot of unforeseen things happened in between which were 100% out of my control. I was induced 4x. I had 2 failed epidurals and finally the third worked, once fulled dilated (totally exhausted and scared as hell) my baby never turn correctly in the birth canal so she was shoved back in (literally) and I was rushed to theatre, over a shift change, where a forceps delivery failed, my baby is scarred on her forehead, and straight into an emergency C section. All out of my planned control, wouldn’t you say.
Baby two was not as simple. I instantly felt the control card was not in my deck. I was more vulnerable and exposed, yet at the same time felt more at ease. A hard pregnancy, being nauseas and sick, running after an active toddler was taking its toll. I got gestational diabetes which broke me to the nth degree. I had to prick and test my sugar 5x a day. My biggest fear was staring me in the face. Needles and blood. And yes, this broke me many a times. My birth became high risk, I had to see two consultants a week. Things were not going to plan. Again out of my control. And I didn’t like this feeling. It made me uneasy. Fast forward, to a planned C section, where as much could be controlled as possible, this was still petrifying. My strong husband who has done paramedic work and isn’t phased by blood and gore, fainted in theatre during the spinal block. I had some complications where they cut two arteries and my heart rate kept dropping. I could go on, but you get the point.
So, what I’ve learnt is we as mums, as humans, need to respect the process and believe things will turn out how they are meant to. We do not control the world. We do not control when there will be a tsunami or a volcano erupting so what makes us think we can control what will happen to us? It all comes from a greater power. What we can control, with a lot of practice, is how we react to things out of our control. Yes I’m preaching somewhat.
I learnt patience. I learnt how to ask for help and more importantly accepting help without thinking I was failing. I learnt to breathe and just be in the moment, no matter how hard it is, not try plan next step set in stone. I learnt flexibility and not to be so rigid.I learnt to respect time and what was going on. Obviously within reason we need to be proactive and do our bit to manage our circumstances as best as we can.
I learnt that if I was limited by my fears of not being able to control what happens in my life, I was doing myself a huge injustice. We need to appreciate that we may not know what will happen next and this is ok. This is controlling how you will react. Paradigm shift.
What I think is crucial, and I’m still learning, is to know when to surrender and put your hands up and let the greater forces that be take control be, and when to step in and put in the necessary proactive energy. Often the path we so desperately want to go on, isn’t the right or most valuable path for us and we need to trust that that’s ok.
Control is often rooted in fear. We want to control our lives or scenarios as we are scared what will happen if x doesn’t happen. Being present also helps with letting go of control. By trying to control, we’re potentially setting ourselves up for failure, in case the outcome differs to what we expect. Trust, believe and respect yourself that the best outcome will emerge once we stop gripping tight onto this illusive control.