All it takes is 3 simple words, “are you ok?”. This question can literally make or break someone, someone in despair, someone having a tough time, someone who has a foggy head or has a lot going on for them. We never know what’s happening in someone’s mind, and often some genuine care, comfort and support is all that’s needed.
I know for me, especially during transitional phases where things require adjusting and letting go, these words are SO needed. The crucial part is that the question should not be empty. The asker needs to be ready to listen and hear what’s truly going on – as the answer may be, “no I am not OK.” Personal opinions and biases need to F$%@ off! It’s a time for hearing the pain, not criticising or (directly / indirectly) inflicting more big emotions, uncertainties or guilt.
I know I am going through a period of evolution and change, and in a big way. It kinda feels like an upheaval of some sort. Lots of personal changes, concurrently when there are lots of global changes. Nice. Take the trillion of shifts in the macro sense, but also in the micro. Living in a pandemic, life not being my so called normal. So, so many restrictions. Fear of what will be. Fear of life and death. Will things ever go back to normal? Changes in schedules and routines. Changes in sleep or lack of (more accurately). Working from home vs back in the office. Very shortened nursery days. Limited hands-on help. The babs starting childcare at 10 months. Letting go of being her sole carer and provider. Giving over my prized position (even to a place where I trust and of safety). Me returning to work after a bumpy, unexpected maternity leave of building works and lockdown. Just a lot for a little person.
It feels like all the nooks and crannies in my life have been rocked or even gently swayed, but nothing feels as it was. Times are changing. A lot of mega change, again! There is movement and momentum and this does feel uncomfortable and unsettling. Any change can, but so many shifts at once – stomach churning. During this time, more than ever, these 3 simple words are very much (compassionately) needed: “are you OK?”
Constantly wearing a strong, happy, brave face can also disillusion both others from offering real support as all does in fact appears hunky dory externally, as well as myself who lives with a total mismatch between the inner and the outer. This discrepancy creates so much inner turmoil as it’s so damn hard to articulate what’s really going on within, as noting appears to be going on outside on the surface level. Meanwhile back at the ranch, identity, core feelings and what makes me tick are up in the air.
I think the key is accepting that it’s OK not to feel OK and to admit things are just seriously shyte at the moment. I wish I could just shout it out confidently, with no care in the world. I need to internalise that it’s OK that there’s disruption, a few roadworks on my journey, but I need to learn to regulate and find an equilibrium inside that is adjustable to what’s going on. If things are challenging, I need to drop my self-expectations (drastically). Things cannot be the same when the elements at play are not the same. It’s not always about 1+1=2. 1+2 can not equal 2 if the variables are changed. Easier said than done. Always. It’s not about just carrying on, like I always have. It’s about pausing and breathing and feeling. Really feeling and allowing myself to feel whatever emotions pop up. There’s no shame in feeling crap. Ride the crap wave. It’s life. I fully know that feelings are feelings and humans are humans. Time for self-acceptance. Period.
July 2, 2020